AP’s secret to restore the Catholic Church: Amy Winehouse

Alas, the Associated Press has started a series profiling all those “papabili,” as determined by… the Associated Press.

I can tell you already how their list of “papabili” will be put in place. The list will be “fair” to all ethnic groups and continents so that no one, as far as the Associated Press can tell, is, ahem, discriminated against.

So expect Ghana’s Cardinal Peter Turkson to be there because that’s the only African Cardinal they know of; Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle from the Philippines because he is, well, “Oriental,” despite the fact that he is only 55; and Latin American Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga because he has already been a “papabile” and is the closest to brown they can find.

A Brazilian will have to make AP’s “fair” list since, you know, Brazil is the largest country in South America. Perhaps Cardinal Odilio Scherer, head of Sao Paulo, the world’s second largest diocese after Mexico City.

AP started with the profile of Ginfranco Ravasi, the Italian cardinal the heads the Pontifical Council for Culture.

This is how AP opens Ravasi’s profile:

“He quotes Amy Winehouse and, unlike Benedict XVI, actually taps out his tweets himself. Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi is an erudite scholar with a modern touch – and that is seen by some as just the combination the Catholic Church needs to revive a church beset by scandal and a shrinking flock.”

So now we know AP standards to determine who is ready to seat on the chair of Peter. Oh Bob Dylan! You are so passé.