Catholic & Single Can Mass get in the way of our relationship?

Sep 29, 2010

Dear Anthony,

Do you think it is too rigid for a Traditional Catholic who attends only the Tridentine High Mass to marry a Catholic who attends the Novus Ordo Mass celebrated in Latin and also attends a  Novus Ordo daily Mass in English?

Based on your use of the word “rigid” to ask this question, I can tell that you believe the answer to your own question is yes. I assume that you are in a serious relationship with a wonderful person whom you probably love. You probably cannot believe that you are hitting a stumbling block because of the Mass.

I can’t blame you for being frustrated. I don’t know the context of this question, but I think I can offer you some thoughts on this that could be useful.

First, it is worth saying that as Christians, the way we worship God is as high in importance as the act of worshiping God. It is a very personal thing, and very defining about who we are as a person. The greater our faith, the more important our desire to worship God is.

Therefore, we cannot blame or pass judgment on someone for their preferences on how to worship God. The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass is the primary act of worship of God the Father. This worship of the Father in the Mass is done by Jesus Christ, His Son, via His one sacrifice on Calvary that is represented at the altar via the Catholic priest, who leads those present at the Mass. As the faithful attending, we worship God the Father along with Jesus through the priest at the Altar. That is basically and substantially what the Mass is.

Every Mass is a “Liturgy,” which means, “the work of the people.” It is our work of worship to God the Father that is due to Him by us, His creation and His children. There are different liturgical expressions to accomplish this one act of worship. Therefore, there are many different approved ways of liturgical expression that a Catholic.

Typically, a Catholic “belongs” to a particular Rite. For example, I am a Catholic of the Roman Rite. Some people belong to one of the many rites in the one Eastern Rite. These Rites are all approved by the Pope and are in union with him.

Here is where it is a little tricky and relates to what you are experiencing. In the Roman Rite, there is something that is not experienced by Eastern Rite Catholics. For those in the Roman Rite, there are two liturgical rites that are approved for the celebration of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. There is the old Rite, commonly called the Tridentine Rite, and the new Rite that was implemented after the Second Vatican Council, called the Novus Ordo (the new order).

To make a long story short (and I am really trying to simplify that which is more complicated), the co-existence of these two liturgical rites are not typically harmoniously accepted by Roman Rite Catholics. They are both now available and approved. They both fulfill the duty required by the Catholic Church for worshiping God at Sunday Mass. However, there are those who feel that one is superior to the other, rather than just leaving it at being a blessing to have both, and thanking God that those who prefer either can attend the liturgical expression of their choice.

Unfortunately, there are those who believe that the Tridentine Rite (also known as the Traditional Mass, which is in the language of Latin) is superior to the Novus Ordo Rite (the new Mass most of us are used to attending which is in the English language). Many priests have begun saying the Novus Ordo Rite in Latin in order to make the Mass more reverent, as is their legitimate option. However, it is still the new order of the Mass, and not the Tridentine Rite structure. For some, this is still not good enough, and they think the Tridentine Rite is the only Rite that should be used.

Whether they are right or wrong is irrelevant. The Catholic Church (for now, anyway) officially recognizes both expressions of the liturgy. Therefore, it is wrong for anyone to make a person feel bad because they attend one over the other. We Catholic Christians have enough problems in this world that we don’t need to be fighting and causing problems with each other.

For couples, however, there is more to this that needs to be considered. Since people do have liturgical preferences, and worshipping God is central to our life as Christians, the issue of how a couple worship God should be taken very seriously.

At every Mass, we are attending a marriage ceremony; the marriage of Christ and His Church. The sacrifice of Christ on Calvary (represented at the altar) is when Christ married His bride, the Church. Therefore, our own sacramental marriages are to be a symbol of the marriage of Christ and His Church. It stands to reason that if a married couple is attempting to live the example of Jesus’ marriage to the Church, that the married couple attend Mass together.

Granted, it can happen that a genuinely good, happy, loving marriage is possible where the two people do not worship God together. But in the sense of the ideal, it does not make sense.

Both the Tridentine Mass and the Novus Ordo Mass are “The Mass.” What is essential for worshiping God as a Catholic is present in both liturgical expressions. So for couples, it should never be an issue of the validity of either. However, when it comes to preference, I can see how attendance of either can become an issue.

If one grew up on the traditional liturgy and loves it, prefers it, and essentially cannot give it up without it affecting who they are as a person, then whomever they date will likely have to share the same depth of love for the traditional liturgy in order for that relationship to work. Or, the other person might not care either way, and is fine with changing over to the Tridentine Mass. The difference is that there is an informed decision that results in two people moving in the same direction.

However, if a person insists on the Tridentine Mass and treats the Novus Ordo Mass with contempt or resentment, this is not a good thing. An approved Mass deserves the highest respect. I have experienced people who express various negativity when it comes to the Novus Ordo Mass.

There is nothing wrong with attending a Novus Ordo Mass if you prefer the Tridentine Mass. The rigidity you sense in this person you are dating is a red flag to be talked about and monitored as your relationship continues. It is fine to prefer a liturgical expression, but if the person displays disapproval about your preference or causes problems about it, I would consider that a warning sign. I can totally understand preference, but I cannot understand intolerance and disturbance that affects a person’s being. Not for a legitimate Mass. Rigidity that makes a person feel bad about what they prefer is not good for a healthy relationship.

God is love, and our mission as Christians is to love. To love is to be accepting, tolerant, and considerate. A person who is quick to criticize without consideration of a person’s feelings could have several issues that can damage a relationship. Being critical and judgment about the Mass a person chooses to attend is seriously wrong.

Your liturgical preferences are not an insurmountable obstacle. If you can discuss these issues in a compassionate way, you have something to build on. If the rigidity you referred to really exists, you might want to consider whether this is an indication of more serious issues.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony