Catholic & Single Taking a break from a relationship

May 25, 2011

Dear Anthony,

I just got engaged and recently I’m thinking I need to take a break from our relationship because I am struggling with him and need to determine God’s will. I really want to make sure I am doing what God wants of me.

I assume your struggle is whether or not to proceed with the marriage? Taking a break is for those who are dating, not engaged. Engagement is a different story. The concept of taking a break cannot be considered a normal thing during an engagement period.

While dating someone, it can happen that you have developed a strong friendship and you like each other, and can see love is developing, but you feel unsure if this relationship should progress to a more exclusive stage. Taking a break from dating can be an effective way to decide.

The result most desire from the take-a-break concept is that the one who needed the break realizes that they miss the other and finds that life is not the same without the other in their life. That naturally causes certitude of the heart and a peace about getting back together and getting more serious.

Love between a man and woman should produce great clarity about the direction of their relationship and their lives. Just because we have fears doesn’t mean there is not love. Too often great relationships are wounded or broken due to the inability of one or both to get past their own self-imposed issues.

What really happens is they are afraid of love. Love demands and requires everything. Giving up anything, for some people, is too unreasonable or difficult. Thus, the relationship stagnates because one or both cannot keep letting go of selfishness.

I’m concerned that you mentioned the need to discern God’s will in this. I am all for God’s will, but too often I hear single people use God as an excuse for what is the real reason for their situation; namely, their own fears or indecision. God loves decision-makers, and He is always waiting to bless couples as they make commitment moves in their relationships.

At each stage of a relationship, it is the two individuals making decision. God is there to bless them and provide graces to strengthen the path. To stop the process and say “I have to discern” can too often be an easy cop out for our own inabilities to proceed. It’s not God at all who has anything to do with it.

Be careful about over discerning. God is always where peace is consistently. I often tell people that the devil shakes in the moment, and God holds us over time. Meaning, we make bad decisions when we are in the middle of unrest and chaos of situations, events and emotions. God lays peace on our hearts over time.

Love is tested over time. One of the greatest ways to acknowledge you are in love is when you come to realize that you cannot imagine living the rest of your life without this person. That is the conviction you want to have going into a serious relationship.

For someone who is engaged and trying to determine if you should proceed with setting a wedding date, a short break could help settle things down, but I emphasis the word “short.” A week or two is sufficient.

Sometimes people get cold feet. But sometimes people fear that they may be making a fatal mistake. This can still just be nerves. Stopping with the wedding plans and taking some time apart can help clear the mind and restore the peace. Say that you need to take a little time to yourself to clear your mind and settle your heart so you can proceed in the best state of mind possible.

It does not take long to know if you should proceed or not. If you need longer than 2 weeks, than the engagement should be called off and take as much time as you need. Don't date, don't talk to each other. Hopefully, your fiance, who does not want a break, will be understanding.

If you determine that you can’t proceed, then you have an obligation to not go forward with it. I know that sounds obvious, but you would be surprised how many people still proceed out of guilt or some sense of obligation. Marriage is too sacred of an institution to be treated disrespectfully and entered into without firm consent of the will of both parties. Endure the fallout of calling it off, and then move forward. Hopefully, it will not come to that. It is more likely that you are overwhelmed, and the prospect of this big step and change in your life is imploding on you.

Pray to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and hear Him asking you this question: “Are you prepared to live without him for the rest of your life?” Let the Holy Spirit lay peace on your heart a “yes” or a “no”. Then proceed with faith in the direction where the peace lies.