I woke up early (EARLY, Joey. TOO early!) this morning and as I lay in bed, listening to the gentle noises of my almost toddler caterwauling like a suffering tabby, I allowed my mind to wander over the various and sundry mysteries of my (admittedly) small universe and came up with the following:
How much liquid should my almost-one-year-old be drinking each day? Does coffee count? I think he’s been drinking my coffee…
Why am I incapable of meal planning? Why does 5:00 pm come up and slap me in the back of the head everyday and leave me stunned and stupid over the impending reality of dinner and the sorry truth that I have to make it. Again. Why can’t men live on cereal like we can?
Is there a wittier ripost I might have offered to the Kaiser nurse who heckled me over the phone whilst scheduling my first prenatal visit for this little bug and WHISTLED at me that I’ve been ‘busy?’ “Heh heh heh. Somebody’s been havin’ themselves some unprotected sex!” (I swear I could hear her internal monologue)
Why am I so fat already? Why do I keep asking my husband if he thinks this is so, when I know well and good that for the sake of all that is holy the man is never, EVER going to answer in the affirmative to this one, even should I gain 2.3 million lbs like last time and start stealing his extra-large Kirkland’s Best t-shirts to fashion into 3rd trimester mumus. Even then, he knows the right answer to THAT question.
Why are boots so expensive when ground beef is so cheap? Aren’t they fashioned from the same creature? Why the markup? WHY?!
Come on. Seriously? A 1,700% mark up? That ain’t right.
And finally, is it so wrong that after 28 years of searching, I’ve finally discovered the real motivating factor for exercise, and it turns out it’s childcare?
I’ve calculated it carefully, and it turns out that in an average month I can score a maximum of 60 hours of babysitting courtesy of my local 24 Hour Fitness. You can bet those girls in the Kid Zone have me on a first name basis. Irony of ironies that my newfound exercise fanaticism is not going to help me get any smaller any time soon…