June 08, 2011

Confirmed Bachelor: Why good men stay single

By Anthony Buono *
Sorry, guys. This article is specifically to discuss the things men do wrong when it comes to getting to the bottom line; marriage and family life. I earnestly want to see confirmed bachelor syndrome die. I see too many men subscribing to the deception. Permit me to give you my top 5 symptoms of confirmed bachelor syndrome.

#1 - Lost with no direction.

Why is there so much over-thinking about if God wants you to be married? Historically, the majority of people born into this world marry and have children. It is the default vocation of the natural order. Rare is the vocation to the priesthood, religious life or (even rarer) consecrated single life. The confirmed bachelor is none of those things. He is simply in the state he arrived in from his mother’s womb; an unmarried man. Too many men waste a tremendous amount of time because they are not sure what God wants. All men should pursue marriage until they get a call to serve God and His people as a celibate priest, religious or single man. Date the women God brings into your life, choose the most suitable one, and commit to marriage.

The confirmed bachelor is an excuse maker, waiting for God to speak directly to him in words of direction. He knows these won’t come, but it sure helps him justify his indecision.

#2 - Why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free?

Here is a question you will not find on a dating website profile: “How many women have you had pre-marital sex with and what age did you start having sex?” You won’t see this question because no one would answer it truthfully. Many men, even Catholics, are having sex before marriage. Some have sex with women they would never marry, while trying to find a pure girl (some even requiring a virgin) to marry. Some have sex with the girl they are dating instead of building a quality relationship founded on friendship, faith, trust, and respect formed by his leadership and example.

Every girl these men have sex with does the following:

a) Disrespects women in general.

b) Erodes their own ability to love, honor and respect a woman for the requirements of marriage.

c) Develops a contraceptive and divorce mentality.

The confirmed bachelor is only unmarried, in my view, specifically because he is able to have sex without the marriage commitment. If men couldn’t get sex, they would get married. (I guess I just implied something very wrong with women today, huh? Oops!)

#3 Taking your sweet time.

Men have time. Women do not. Men can get married at whatever age and still have children. Women have precious little fertility time, which typically ends sometime in their 40’s.

Having whatever time they need (or so they think), men keep their options open. Young men are too young to settle down. They want to enjoy dating, pursue their interests, have fun, etc. He is too young to marry in his 20’s and too busy to marry in his 30’s.

At 40 they start to realize they should take finding a woman and getting married seriously. They want children, so they disregard the women of their own age group and are only open to women in their 20’s and 30’s. Women much younger are creeped out by these much older men approaching them (there are exceptions, but they are just that....exceptions). Men enter their 50’s and 60’s still looking for someone not older than 40 so they can at least get one child out of her (presuming he is successful finding that rare woman who wants to marry a man whom she might get a few good years with before being left alone to raise the children).

 #4 Blame the finances.

Too often men use their financial situation as an excuse to put off marriage. Shame on them for thinking God is fine with their putting off marriage (and don’t hide behind the “but I can’t find a good woman” excuse, they are plentiful and accessible).

Women want to be loved with exclusivity and affection, and that is their true security. Some are gold diggers, but most are not. Women need security. Not financial security, but earnings capability security. Are you making a good living that can support a family? Are you educated and resourceful enough to find work wherever you need to in order to support the family? Are you committed to the concept of providing for a family?

Supporting a family is also a subjective thing. The quality of life spiritually, emotionally, practically and psychologically can be of the highest quality no matter where you live and how much you make.

A confirmed bachelor is not too anxious to take on the responsibility of being the head of the household and breadwinner. He feels it is an old-fashioned notion for men to provide in a single income family.

#5 Hot or Not: looking for love in all the wrong places.

I can’t tell you how many great Catholic women who will make exceptional wives and mothers remain single because of men on a quest to find the wrong girl.

They’re in pursuit of a so-called “hot” woman. The real women are beautiful in their own unique ways, regardless of age or weight, if men would allow their eyes and heart to see.

Men think it’s possible to find a girl who is a good Catholic but also “hot,” but they will take her hotter over holier (I am not kidding here). Those women who have it all (objectively gorgeous as well as very religious and with great personality) do exist. But guys, do you notice the men they end up with? They are 10’s too. Sorry Charlie.

The fact is most “hot” girls are high maintenance, or lack qualities that make for a good wife and mother. They know men want them because of their looks and they sadly make a game of men.

A confirmed bachelor is one who will never make the commitment to marriage because he just doesn’t need to. He can satisfy every selfish need without having to live an unselfish life of sacrifice for another or others.

As I said, this is a list of symptoms of Confirmed Bachelor Syndrome. Many men who do have the syndrome are curable. So no ladies, all men are NOT pigs, nor are they purposely trying to hurt you. They do not need your anger, bashing, or condemnation. They need your prayers, kindness, gentleness, and understanding. And they need you to do your part to not enable them.

Men, hang in there. Be humble. Recognize these things, wake up, and realize the error of your ways. Ask for the grace of conversion. If you show signs of any of these symptoms of Confirmed Bachelor Syndrome, please take action and seek help right away for relief and freedom into the healthier lifestyle men are called to. Your future wife and children are depending on you.

Anthony Buono is the founder of Avemariasingles.com. For thousands of Catholic singles, Anthony offers guidance, humor, understanding, and practical relationship advice.  Visit his blog at 6stonejars.com

* Catholic News Agency columns are opinion and do not necessarily express the perspective of the agency.