Catholic & Single I'm not good enough for you

Jul 14, 2010

I did a radio interview where the topic of fear in not being good enough for someone came up. I thought it would be a good thing to talk about a little more thoroughly then we covered on the air.

This is a common happening. You meet someone who seems wonderful, perhaps too good to be true. Suddenly, you are hit with a sense of fear about not being good enough for this person. So you try to sabotage the relationship so you have a good excuse to end it, when what you really did was say, "I don't deserve you.”

It's a shame that this happens. Perhaps it is because we have low self-esteem and think that no one could want us and love us for who we are. Perhaps it is a perfectionist issue that makes us think that we have to be a saint if we are going to make a wonderful, holy person happy in marriage.

Without question, it is a mistake to have this fear of not being good enough. It is a false humility that says "I am not worthy of you." No one is worthy of anyone else. The fact is we are all sinners. We don't marry a saint, but a sinner. Every human being has flaws, imperfections, weaknesses, tendencies, bad habits, any number of other negative aspects to themselves. We should be working on ourselves to correct these things. We should always be understanding that others have their issues. No one is perfect.

For the pursuit of marriage, it is imperative that we never make the mistake of thinking that we are dating a saint, and we are too sinful, weak, or broken for that person. It is also imperative that we do not put that other person on too high of a pedestal, and remember that they, too, are a sinner. If you are ever dating someone who comes across as believing there is nothing wrong with them, and they are picky and critical of you, please run away from that person as fast as you can and never look back.

To have an awareness of your own shortcomings is a great gift, both individually and socially. Individually, this gift helps you understand that before God, you are not yet a saint and have work to do. This should inspire you to keep doing the work of perfecting yourself by God’s grace. Socially, this gift helps you to approach other people with true humility, knowing that you are not "better" than anyone else. You feel honored when someone is interested in bringing you closer into their world. It also helps you approach this person in charity, knowing they have their flaws and issues, and these should be things you accept and gently help the other with.

It is a mistake to be turned off by someone's negative qualities. It is much better to be inclined to seek the good qualities. Let those good qualities overshadow any negative qualities, and (hardest of all) attempt to accept and even embrace the negative qualities. This is the secret of finding a suitable partner for marriage and being willing to make the commitment to that person. Once you are able to find the negative qualities endearing, and understand how both your qualities make you unique as a couple, then you are have what it takes to make marriage last.

If it sounds like what I am saying is that falling in love involves loving the negative as well as the positive, you are correct. Love is a total acceptance of the person, flaws and all. Deep love is experienced as the negative qualities take on an endearment to you. A marriage is in trouble when the two only love each other as their good qualities are experienced. The negative qualities have to be embraced and loved if you are to love each other for a lifetime.

Marriage is where two sinners come together in the lifetime commitment of being each other's path to sanctity. They have good times and bad times. The good times make life easy. The bad times make life challenging, perhaps even a hell on earth. The bad times are often moments where one is experiencing negative things from the other. It is in those moments that our character is tested and our opportunity to take a step forward toward becoming a saint is given as a gift from God.

The security of the sacramental bond protects the two sinners from losing their primary opportunity to become a saint. The union allows the two to fall without the fear of hurting themselves beyond repair. When one falls, the other is there to help navigate them back through the love accomplished by patient endurance, kindness, silence without reproach, and forgiveness. Perhaps it will take being the one to say "I'm sorry" when it is the one who has fallen who, in justice, should be the one apologizing. That is the mercy that true love brings to marriage and mirrors the love of God.

Who among us is good enough for anyone? Do we not realize that God loves us beyond measure even though we are sinners and not worthy of Him? How can we be a person who trusts in God if we don't have peace in His love for us?

We must have this same trust in other persons, especially in the person we will marry. It is a trust that says "despite my unworthiness, I believe in your love for me. I will love you with all I am, by God's grace.” To fear not being good enough for someone is to lack trust in that person and lack trust in God, Who has displayed that love is about giving yourself despite the other's faults and sins.

That is really where the problem lies. We do not trust the other person to take us as we are, with all our faults, flaws, weaknesses. Why would any person love me so completely? The reason is because that is how God loves us. Why should we settle for anything less? As Jesus Himself implied, it is easy to love someone when they are lovable. But not so easy when they are not; in moments when they bother you or hurt your feelings or do something that seems hateful. Human beings are going to have unlovable moments. There is no way around that. Your spouse is going to have those moments. What will you do? Say to yourself "Oh, I made a mistake, this person is not who I thought they were" and then turn away from that person in heart and mind, or even physically leave them?

Marital love does not fear getting hurt. It takes the risk of giving your whole self knowing you might get hurt. Love does not fear failing or not being good enough. Those who feel they are not good enough need to be reminded how God loves us despite our sinfulness, and is always risking Himself by His willingness to forgive us, have mercy on us, welcome us back to His embrace, and shower us with His grace. This is what love requires.

We turn to another human being and say, "You are not my God, nor can you provide me with the level of love that only God can give me. I am not your God. But we can love each other with all our shortcomings and rely on God to give us what we need to persevere when love seems hardest, and enjoy all the moments when we are most lovable, always accepting both experiences as gifts to us for our sanctity."

Fear nothing except offending God. Be yourself. Know yourself, flaws and all, so you know who it is the other is getting from you. Be open to the total person of the other. With this attitude, you will find there is nothing to fear; you can trust someone to love you for who you are. You will have the ability to give yourself to someone that you can love in every way. Your trust in God will empower you to cast away fear of unworthiness and take on gratitude and honor that someone would be so interested in loving you.

Be confident. Fear is a sign of weakness and it will cripple your ability to develop a healthy relationship and get married. Fear is a distraction tactic of the demonic. Confidence in who you are and God's love for you, and your own love for yourself will dispel fear once and for all, and make you very attractive to a potential future spouse. There is nothing quite so attractive in another person as experiencing their confidence in who they are, and their trust in being who they are in your presence. So be humble and confident.  And let the mystery of love flow freely and where it will.