Oct 6, 2009
This weekend I sinned, strayed, fell, whatever the name - I messed up. It was the kind of sin I feel more responsible for than any other. It was the kind I had been working on for months, making sacrifices for, and had been pleading for the grace to overcome. But, when the moment came to choose against the sin, all that preparation vanished from my mind and I chose what I knew was wrong. Later, I felt dumb, dumb, dumb.
I told myself that I had failed. In desperation, I went to the one I had offended and sat in sorrow. The weird thing is I wasn’t there to apologize for hurting Him. Instead, I went to tell Jesus what a horrible person I was. I wanted Him to know that I had failed. I sat there for a long while, beating myself up, asking how I could have allowed myself to fall again.
Eventually, I knew I needed to get back home, so I began to leave. As I neared the exit, a woman in the adoration chapel handed me a book. I faked a smile and thanked her. When I walked out into the fresh air and looked at her gift, my smile was no longer faux. The book was called How to Profit From Your Faults by Joseph Tissot, based on the writings of St. Francis de Sales.
I had recently had a conversation with a close friend about my struggle, and he had told me that I need to look at each fall as a stepping stone to success. In other words: I can learn from my mistakes. During my time in the chapel I had recalled this conversation and brushed it off as poor advice. It later seemed like God was giving me the same advice that I had unwisely deemed poor.