"Ask questions like, 'How frequently do you fall into porn and masturbation in general?'" Fr. Kilcawley said. The question is not meant to pry – it helps determine whether the person needs additional help.
It's also helpful to ask when the problem started.
"If it started before puberty, which is most common now, almost everyone who started before puberty is going to need extra help stopping, they might need counseling or group support, and spiritual direction," Father said.
A third question to ask would be if they've tried to remove porn from their life – are they already using filtering software? Are they seeing a therapist or going to a 12-step group?
And then finally, Fr. Kilcawley advised priests in the confessional, ask them if they want to stop.
"Just to help them make a good firm purpose of amendment," he said, adding that when they answer yes, that's a good opportunity to offer them more resources.
But it's important that the help be personal. Simply handing the person a flyer and telling them to call a therapist or a group typically doesn't work, Father noted. It should either be the priest, or someone involved in that specific ministry at the parish, who is the first point of contact for that person, and can help them get in touch with additional resources.
Another thing priests can do is start a porn or sex addict support group in their parish. Fr. Kilcawley said he started one in his office once a week, with a small group of men who were all struggling with porn addictions.
"Most people who are stuck in addiction, they need a support group, whether it's a 12-step group like Sexaholics Anonymous or a spiritual support group, where they are open and vulnerable and accountable about their lives. They need that, plus a counselor, plus a spiritual director that they're working with regularly," he said.
Thou shalt not: The don'ts of porn ministry
A mistake often made by untrained clergy in pornography addiction ministry is that they may suggest, explicitly or implicitly, that a pornography addiction is the fault of the spouse.
"It's not the spouse's lack of sexual interest that's to blame for her husband's sexual addiction," Dr. Bowman said. Addicted persons will often try "blame shifting," he added, which creates "a spiritual crisis that compounds the betrayal trauma" of the spouse.
The next mistake clergy could make would be to minimize the impact of the addiction on the spouse. Most people who find out their spouse has a sex addiction will experience varying levels of feelings of betrayal, Dr. Bowman said.
"There's significant trauma in that loss of identity – but the Church can speak about identity as sons and daughters of God into that space," he added. It's when identity is only being informed by brokenness that bigger problems arise.
Another mistake would be to abandon those in recovery. If a priest commits to setting up support groups in his parish, he needs to follow through, Dr. Bowman said.
"If you are setting yourself up as a support that means take the phone call, schedule the meeting, even if it's inconvenient, you're going that measure and not abandoning folks in recovery," he said.
Not a fringe ministry – this is evangelization 101
The biggest cardinal mistake that clergy can make in regards to pornography addiction ministry is never mentioning it, Dr. Bowman said.
It's usually a more "omissive than commissive" problem, he commented. "It's not like (clergy) are actively avoiding talking about this, but they may think, 'My parishioners don't want to hear about this, there are other things that are more relevant and important.'
But, according to Dr. Bowman, "There may be no more pressing topic for parishioners and priests alike...the only mistake would be not to bring it up."
It may be helpful for priests to view this as part of evangelization, and not as a fringe ministry, Fr. Kilcawley said, because very likely, someone who is stuck in addiction is unable to have a good relationship with the Lord.
"Most people who are stuck in addiction believe they're unlovable, and that if people really knew them they would reject them, and they don't trust other people to meet their needs and so they have to meet their own needs, and their addiction is the best way to meet their need," he said. "So if someone has those core beliefs, they can't really know our Lord."
"So anti-pornography work and anti-porn apostolates, they're really the first stage of evangelization."
Both Dr. Bowman and Fr. Kilcawley said they hope that increasingly, priests become aware of the urgent need to reach pornography addicts in their pews.
"We live in a culture where statistically, about half of Christians report looking at porn at least monthly," Fr. Kilcawley said.
"So if that's the case then, yeah we need a lot more (pornography ministry). It's not a ministry for a few people, it's more of a ministry for everyone."
This article was originally published on CNA June 14, 2017.
Mary Farrow worked as a staff writer for Catholic News Agency until 2020. She has a degree in journalism and English education from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.