I lived a total HELL within myself :: Catholic News Agency
I lived a total HELL within myself

I was 16, attending Catholic high school and hanging around with my 24 year-old sister at night. She was married and began having an affair. She would take me with her when she went to his house. When she went to see him she would tell her husband she and I were going shopping. Having me along made the story look real.


Her friend had two roommates, one who was 20 years older than me but seemed to really listen to me. Having had a Catholic father, he filled a lot of paternal needs. One night my sister and I were with these men and I drank a lot of wine. I remember going to sleep on a spare couch, but waking up next to (the older man). After that night we started a relationship, if that's what you'd call it. We started to use a rubber but it was too late. I missed a period. As soon as the home pregnancy test showed positive my sister was on the phone to the clinic saying her sister needs an abortion. I was still in shock. Two weeks later (right before Easter) it was all over (note - my sister instigated the abortion, because otherwise her affair would be found out).


I've blocked so much out (I am now 23). I had really psyched myself out. The nurses were nice. I remember they had to do a blood test because they weren't even positive I was pregnant (sometimes I wonder). The doctor came in right before the "operation" and introduced himself. Everyone was nice. I was so psyched up, it was just a procedure. One thing I do remember - no alternatives were ever discussed. (Note - In your war against abortion, please remember the scared little girl. Talk gently and kindly to her. Show her love, and that there is another way. John 14:6)


At first my sister was more shook than I was. But soon enough it hit me. For a year I lived a total HELL within myself. I hated myself. Not a day went by I did not think of suicide. In my eyes I was an awful, awful, person. The one strong moral I always had held was against abortion. I had gone against my own morals. The least little mistake I did, I would think of suicide. I developed severe depression that only lasted a year and was healed. I continued in relationships with older men, but into my relationships I carried so much. I was not well mentally at all! I did try suicide once with aspirin.


Exactly one year from the date of my abortion, I went on a retreat. The topic of the whole retreat was forgiveness (wouldn't you know). On Saturday night of the retreat in a candlelit room, I confessed my sin to my teachers and peers (up to this time few people knew). I had barely got out the word abortion and I began to cry a years worth of tears (I had never cried over it). The priest suggested after others openly confessed their needs of forgiveness that each person take and anoint another with oil to show they were forgiven. I had a line of people to anoint me! I had never felt God so close. I felt as did the woman caught in adultery (John 8). I was dramatically changed that night in regards to the abortion. I still suffered depression but I am not sure if that was due to the abortion or my past. But last year at another retreat I was prayed over and since have not experienced that severe depression. All Glory to God! I also paid back to a prolife group the money that was paid for my abortion. I felt a need to do that --"using bad for good" (Romans 8:28).


Printed with permission from Priests for Life.


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