Catholic & Single Guarding the heart

Jan 8, 2008

Dear Anthony,

I am writing to let you know that things are going well with a woman I am seeing. The only problem I am having is that she does not seem to open her heart to me. I really would like to see some outward signs of love. I am sending her flowers and visiting and doing a lot of things that I think show my signs of interest. I know she is interested in me, but she has said that past experiences make her really guard her heart and she is not sure how long it could take for her to open it to someone, if ever. She said men seem to fall in love with her easily, but she does not, and that ends up hurting the other. I know that I have gone as far as I can in our friendship and really need to know if I am to be exclusive with her and discern if we are to become engaged, but I feel as if I have to still keep seeing other people. Don’t you think she should be showing some signs of love? And do you think I should just give her as much time as she needs?

This is a very interesting situation. It’s not easy for me to answer without knowing much more information. But I have a basic sense of what is happening here. It is obvious she is interested in you, so that we can put aside. However, she is guarding her heart, which means she is not allowing herself to become emotionally attached or investing any of her heart toward you. That can be a good thing and a bad thing, and maybe it is both.

I am all for women not investing their heart in a man until he shows signs of sacrifice, commitment, and fidelity. You have shown signs of romantic love so far (it sounds like), and maybe some sacrifice (you are traveling to meet her, which is great), but not the key sign, which is commitment. And she knows that you are open to other women, so she is not secure about your fidelity toward her.

It does sound, however, as if she is also using the past experiences that have caused her guarded heart as an excuse for not allowing the two of you to have the unique experience you are meant to have. In other words, she has unresolved issues from past experiences and that will definitely cause a woman to be on guard to excess. A woman is definitely right to guard her heart against a man who is not yet ready to make a commitment to exclusivity with her to discern marriage. But it is wrong if he is using the past experiences as an excuse not to give you any sign that her heart is pursuable. I think you need to confront her about this. Just gently let her know that you want to be open to exclusivity and want to invest a bit more time in getting to that point for both of you, but you want to know if she is going to allow you to pursue her heart.

Another, more important, point is that she is probably used to controlling the direction of the relationships. It seems she is used to men easily wanting to offer their heart to her and she is used to not being interested in taking it. Therefore, she knows she has the power to control the destiny of the relationship. This is not a malicious thing on her part, just more of a habit. It is a habit of “leading,” and men are supposed to lead the direction of the relationship. You really need to make sure that any time she tries to make these points about her past or any other signs of controlling the situation, you have to counter it with an action of leadership. For example, if she says she is not sure where my heart will be in six months, you say something like, “Well, I believe we have only another two months to know before we move our separate ways.” If she says that her past experiences still make her feel caution about her heart, then you say, “But I am here right now, and the focus has to be on just you and me, and I would be grateful if you did not bring your past into our relationship.”

Communication is key here. Your verbalizing these things and keeping them in focus as the leader will win her respect, whether she knows it or not. The reality is that many women have these kinds of bad leadership habits and lack of feeling secure issues, and they impose them on the men in their relationships, but what they really want is a leader. It is always a great relief to a woman to find a man who wants to lead and take control (without being controlling or manipulating). She has been the controller and manipulator. For her own sake, your leadership actions will free her from this bondage, and you will likely find her falling in love with you as a result. Too many men get intimidated by these actions of women and give up. That is their loss because the women really do love it when they are freed from these tendencies, and they then feel secure and loved and realize they are with a man who wants to make a commitment.