Catholic & Single Are men just all talk and no action?

Apr 30, 2008

It does seem apparent that there is a real problem of commitment among men. I have to first say that there are plenty of men who are action-takers and willing to make a commitment to a woman when the time and person are right. So don't be discouraged.

Having said that, I think it is fair to say that there is an "epidemic" of men who will not make a vocation decision that will alter the rest of their lives, whether that is marriage or the priesthood. I have no doubt they like the concept of being in their vocation, but they don't like the process required to make the commitment. I think a lot of it has to do with their not liking the fact that it is themselves, and not God, who is ultimately responsible for making the decision. By waiting for God to reveal 100% what they should do takes the responsibility off them. Women can be like this, too. We all have a desire to know "for certain" what God wants of us. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. There is no way to know anything "for certain".

Therefore, we must be people of faith, who go out on a limb, or take a chance, who risk it all. And that is at the heart of the definition of a true "man". That is also the problem. Men don't want responsibility, even for themselves, so they lead lives of putting off. They don't want to take a risk that they might end up regretting, so they make no major decisions at all.

This is the epidemic: men who don't want to make the WRONG choice. Instead, what we need are men who walk in faith and make choices, period. Men who don't fear making a wrong choice, but rather rejoice in taking action and living with the consequences. What these men who fear don't understand is that is there is great peace and joy in moving forward in life by making decisions, commitments, and acting in faith. Sure, they have faith and as Catholics they believe they should act on their faith. But so many do not take that concept further than religious practice. In other words, they feel they are men of great faith because they go to Mass or to Confession, or give alms to the poor, etc. Yet, at the same time, they are trying to control their own destiny for the things related to their personal everyday life.

This kind of Christian is not one who truly believes in God as Father, or Our Lady as Mother, and certainly not Jesus as Brother. Where is the faith that God will not allow us to make a decision that is beyond repair, or that can't be blessed by Him? This fear of choosing a woman and making a lifelong commitment to her is selfish pride in action. It is not faith, nor trust in God.

As you pointed out so accurately, men can be great "talkers" but have no follow-through. They don't realize that they are leading the women on. They are not careful about what they say and how long they communicate. And in the end, they just fizzle to a stop like a soda that goes flat. Then, they are content to see it end and just move on to the next person to continue the perpetual game (that has no ending, by the way) of searching for one person they claim will be "the right one", yet have no way of really knowing that information for certain.

The fact is they don't act. They don't decide. And therefore, the act of NOT deciding is actually a decision. The have decided to NOT act. Then they hide behind God as an excuse by saying, "She is not the right person God has for me."

I gave a talk recently where I encouraged the men to take St. Joseph's lead. He took action in everything and allowed God, whom St. Joseph trusted in completely and lived his life to serve, to redirect him if his action was wrong. In the Scriptures, there is a very big mistake he is about to make. He decides to put away Our Lady in a quiet divorce. But God intercedes through the angel and tells St. Joseph it's okay to take her as his wife. And then immediately he takes action to correct his wrong action.

It is only in our taking action (making decisions) and moving forward that we will ever really learn what God wants. And I can assure you that we learn how to be good spouses only by being a spouse. It's an "on-the-job" training in so many ways. If we are living lives close to God, and we trust Him as our Father, He is not going to let us make a fatal mistake. There is nothing wrong with men taking action to ask women out, meet them in person, or even to ask one to marry them. Why they don't do all these things is beyond me. Perhaps they are too cheap to pay for dates with someone. Perhaps they are too afraid they will end up with someone who will not make them perfectly happy. Perhaps they don't trust a woman to let him be the man he wants to be. Whatever it is, it is crippling these men and causing the women to suffer the perpetual "waiting on the man".

In all the "perhaps" comments, there is selfishness and a desire to "want", not to love and serve. To love is to seek the interests and happiness of the other in all things. To serve is to give of oneself for the sake of the other in all things.

I think perhaps these men don't want to love or serve. They want to BE loved and want to BE served so all their pleasures and expectations of life are satisfied. If I am wrong, I would love the men to come forward and correct me. But how can it be denied that men are NOT marrying women? And many are not even dating women seriously. Men need to stop "hunting" for a woman with whom he will be pleased enough to marry. They have to start seeing how their role is to find the woman they will choose to love (which means unconditionally, and despite getting anything in return) and serve. They just don't realize that that is the key to their happiness, and they are wrong in thinking they will be happy if they find the one who satisfies all their needs.

There is a lot to this issue that can't be covered in this response to you. The answers have to come from men in order to get to the bottom of this problem. It would be great to hear more from men and get their reactions to these observations by people like me and by women. Women are much more open to voicing problems and concerns. Men seem content to keep these things to themselves, and don't want to come across as complainers. But I think also that many men don't think they have any problems at all, and that these issues women have with men are just misunderstandings and injustices by complaining women.

So that is why it has been much harder for me to help men. But I am trying. I want to work with men, I want to understand them more, and I want to help them where I can. But in the end, ultimately, I want of men what God wants of men; namely, to grow up, take action in choosing a wife (make a decision), and move on with their vocation, which is the primary purpose of their life.