Catholic & Single Should I enter a long-distance relationship?

Jun 4, 2008

Dear Anthony,

I'm corresponding with a man who lives quite a distance away. While I know of many success stories involving long-distance relationships, I'm afraid that distance may become a barrier as our relationship develops. Is there any secret to making such a relationship work?

I'm glad you are writing me with this very good question while things are still early on in this relationship. Let me first say that long-distance relationships DO work. We have couples who were from different states and couples from different countries. So obviously it can work. However, it can also be a waste of time to correspond with someone very far away because of one or both persons not being serious about acting on the needs of the relationship as required, including not really being "open" to making a long distance relationship work.

So I always advise people who are considering someone from another state, and especially from another country, to make sure they are really open to meeting someone in person eventually, and that the other person is as well. It really comes down to that. And if both are open to the possibility of meeting in person if there is a sense that this relationship has potential, then keep writing and see where it goes. But you need to find this out right away, both with yourself and with this other person. The question to the other person is this: "Before we go any further, are you really open to making the sacrifices to meet in person a short time from now should our correspondence turn to talking on the phone and then interest in more?" If that person says, "Well, I don't know," then it might be wise to end the correspondence. And that person needs to know that it is not fair to write to anyone they are not open to meeting in person eventually.

I was contacted by someone who was corresponding with a woman from another country. They had been corresponding for nine months and he was wondering if he should find a way for them to meet and wasn't sure how he could afford to do it. I told him straight out that it was not right of him to contact her in the first place if he did not know he could realistically fly out to meet her within two months after corresponding. You can't write for that long. It wastes the time of both people.

Men especially need to understand this. They are the ones who must do the traveling to meet initially. They are the ones who have to spend the money on times they are together during this first meeting. (Usually they fly out for a weekend and he sees the woman several times throughout the weekend.) Therefore, he had better "know" he is willing to take this step with someone from another state or country BEFORE he ever starts writing to her.

Since you are the woman in this potential relationship that has begun for you, it would be very wise of you to ask him, in some way, if he is prepared to fly out to meet you, and if he is not certain that he would come and meet you in person if in a couple of months things are going well, it would be best if he did not contact you again.

That can be a hard decision to make because it is nice to have someone to correspond with and who seems interested. But believe me, there are too many men not willing to go beyond corresponding or even talking on the phone. You can't waste each other's time. And it is unfair of any man to write to someone he is not prepared to meet within two months.

If you are not comfortable bringing up this issue directly, then accept that a long-distance relationship can really work, but test it by making sure you don't go past two months of writing. If he does not talk about meeting in person within that two months, you need to either bring it up directly and get an answer about his willingness to meet, or just move on. But know that a long-distance relationship can work if both are open to making it work, no matter what the sacrifices. That is a great test of love, and love is strengthened through the endurance.