Catholic & Single Standoffish Women

Jul 9, 2008

Dear Anthony,

I have tried to meet and date Catholic women, both at church singles events and on dating services like AMS. I get the impression that many devout Catholic women are looking for Mr. Perfect. These women seem incredibly standoffish, even though I know I don't come on too strong.

Maybe some women are standoffish, but most women who want to meet the right person and get married are not. However, most women are very protective. Women are in a situation that is unique to them, and that men cannot easily understand. They know they have a ticking "biological clock" and that men scrutinize them over it. They know that their looks matter to men and that they have to work hard to keep themselves physically desirable if they are going to have a hope of marriage. This is a painful reality for women, because they believe that who they are as a person should matter most, and they are right. Women also believe that attraction can develop over time, and that men tend not to allow enough time for this, and they are right. The impression many women have is that while women want to develop a relationship, men are looking for a gorgeous, thin, model-type woman who can be a baby-making machine. I know that good Catholic men are not all that shallow, but I have discovered that there is some truth to this impression.

At any rate, women are protective, and they do not trust that a man approaching them is really and truly interested in getting to know "them". A beautiful woman may be skeptical that a man is approaching for the wrong reasons mentioned above. A more plain-looking woman might feel that she doesn't have a chance with certain men anyway, so she lets herself go or takes on an attitude that makes her unattractive. Women, like men, do have to be careful about the impression they give. And women do have to accept certain realities about men and what attracts them.

But here is the bottom line: Men MUST BE SENSITIVE to the realities women face in the dating world. A man must be patient and pursue a relationship with confidence. He can't be so insecure as to think this "standoffishness" is a sign that she is not interested in him. Don't be so absorbed in yourself and your own feelings. Consider the feelings of the woman first and what she might really be going through. Don't be so quick to give up or cave in. What you "should" do is be a man who knows ahead of time what a woman goes through, and that she is not out to get you. She really wants to believe in you, but a man must give her a reason to believe. If it does turn out that she truly is standoffish, then so be it. Move on. It's no skin off your nose. Don't get defensive, depressed, or feel hurt. These are not the attributes that women are looking for in a man! If you don't know what women are looking for, may I suggest that you watch our "Road to Cana" TV series for help in this area.