Feb 11, 2009
Dear Anthony,
I'm trying to work on correcting all my flaws so that I'll be a worthy spouse for my future husband. Do you think I'm being too idealistic?
Putting off marriage until you feel you have your flaws overcome is a mistake. And it is an even bigger mistake to expect that from the person you consider for marriage. It's nice to know what the ideals of marriage are and strive for them, but marriage is a vocation to find your own sanctification in while serving the other person despite what they may do. It's about bringing new life into the world and the mutual love of the spouses. The bringing new life part is not as demanding as the mutual love part. In other words, it is very hard work and takes a lifetime to keep looking out for the best interests of your spouse and to maintain a love for them that is self-sacrificing. But it is these two things that fashion us personally for Heaven through this vocation.
But what if it doesn't work out as you hoped or planned? You do your very best to find someone who wants to work on themselves and sees marital love as a giving, not a taking, and then you marry the person, despite all their faults. Everyone has faults and flaws and imperfections. Some never come out until you are in the marriage. So one can never see marriage as a "right" to personal happiness that "must" come from the person you marry. And ultimately, if it is not going as you hoped or planned, you can't just end it and move on. It is for life.
Marriage is a challenge of two people trying to live together and compromise, and even to accept what seems to be something "unacceptable." It can be a Calvary in many ways. As I often say, marriage is about hurting each other for a lifetime. So you had better marry someone who knows how to forgive and ask forgiveness, and who believes in God and that there is a Heaven and that their getting to Heaven is dependent upon the decisions they make in this life.
True marital love is about seeking the good of the other. Too many people seek to find the person who will make them happy. It's natural. We all want to be happy. But we have to be careful about how serious we are about "being" happy, and how willing we are to invest our lives in making someone else happy. After all, only God can make us happy in the way people seek in another. So happiness in being where God wants us to be and with whom we have chosen to be is more critical.
This is all a roundabout way of saying that you should stop waiting until your flaws are overcome, or seeking someone who has overcome his flaws. God loves a decision-maker and He showers people of action with graces and blessings. To not act on your vocation while waiting for everything to be made right is to deny God the very process he created (i.e., vocation) to help us overcome what is negative about us and prepare us for Heaven. A very flawed person can have the capacity to offer his or her life as a "gift" to another in marriage and make the person happy, if that other person will accept them. That means it is possible for two heavily flawed people to have a happy life together simply by living the life of "gift" to each other, primarily through the gift of a forgiving heart when things are not going so well.
Again, love and marriage can be very romantic and have all those wonderful feelings people hope to have. Some are very fortunate to have a marriage that is truly full of bliss most of the time. No marriage is without its problems. But some marriages do seem to have an exceptional degree of affection and romance, on top of the self-sacrificial actions of each. However, no one can ever "expect" that, nor should they ever feel they have a "right" to it.
And it would be a horrible error for people to say that a marriage of two people who are so affectionate and romantically in love with each other is the "better" marriage. This is not a contest. And the salvation of individual souls is a very personal thing. Who can say that the person who is suffering in a loveless marriage is not really and truly married? God allows and gives to each what they can handle and what is good for them. A seemingly unhappy marriage could be just what was needed for those persons. So two people who live a married life in struggle but always displaying the love that comes in the form of forgiveness and compromise, even if the marriage has many problems, can have a truly blessed and beautiful marriage; not in the way the world says it should be, but certainly in the way God expects it to be. And yes, those persons can even be "happy" despite the problem-ridden marriage.
I applaud you for recognizing that you have flaws and imperfections, and are considerate to not want to impose your imperfect self on another person. Too many people never consider their own flaws and imperfections yet want to find someone who has no problems and who will always make them happy. But your imperfect self is a perfect candidate for marriage; that wonderful institution that guarantees you will need to work on your faults and issues and imperfections as you work hard to live with another human being (and human beings once children come) and they with you. It is the living of marriage that exposes what is really wrong with us, and then demands we work on ourselves in order to best be of service in the vocation. And it is the accepting of another person’s faults for a lifetime that helps us grow in virtue and holiness. Those called to marriage have a unique opportunity to live charity and love, and also confront themselves at every level.
Too often people believe another person is the "wrong" person because of reasons that have more to do with personal preference than capacity to make a good spouse. Yes, everyone wants to meet someone who melts their heart and excites their every emotion. But that is NOT a requirement for a good marriage. There is nothing wrong with a person trying to find an ideal, but at some point the person has to say that perhaps the ideal is not for them and they have to have a more practical approach to being open to someone. Does that mean marry someone you don't love? No! Love is a requirement. But again, too many have a false sense of love. They think, "Is this person making me happy?" instead of starting by saying, "Is this a person I can make happy?"
So don't let your flaws cause you to shy away from being open to acting on marriage. Your flaws are the path to sanctity for the fortunate man who will marry you. If he is smart, he will know how flawed he is and be honored that you are willing to love him despite them, and he will love you, flaws and all. Work on your flaws. But I guarantee you there are more flaws you don't even know about that will not show themselves until you are living marriage. And such is the life of marital love: two people always growing, always changing, always having to deal with new challenges of each other. Flaws and failures in marriage ensure that each person remains humble and dependent on God, lest they believe this other person is the first love of their life instead the God who created us to love.
So many love to quote St. Augustine, and for good reason: "Our hearts were made for Thee, O God, and they will not rest until they rest in Thee."
I am praying for you every day.
Yours in Christ,
Anthony