Catholic & Single The Senses in Dating: Part 1 - Sight

Apr 1, 2009

The five senses are the vehicles through which we come to know anything. There is nothing we learn that is not a direct result of the five senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Our eyes, ears, nose, and mouth have to do with the first four. Touch has to do with what we touch with our hands or any other part of our body, as well as how we are touched by others on any part of our body. The brain, in turn, takes all information that comes through our senses and processes it. It is, therefore, obvious that without our bodies, we would never “know” anything, including God.

It is also because of this reality that we must take time to consider how we are using our senses in our everyday lives. Our senses are a gift from God to be used for His purposes. Any use of them outside of God’s purposes for giving them to us is a sin and causes us to be separated from a relationship with God. I am primarily focusing on the senses when it comes to dating, the process of getting to know a person of the opposite sex for consideration as a suitable partner in marriage. So this little series on the senses is meant to give some food for thought for those who date and seek to be married, because if we can lose our relationship with God due to inappropriate use of our senses, then we certainly can disrupt our personal relationships with another person because of the decisions we make with our senses.

First, we look at sight. It is said that the eyes are the windows to the soul, “soul” meaning your whole person. What we take in through our eyes works to develop the whole person. The eyes are a “window” because what we allow our eyes to see ALWAYS enters from the outside world into our being. Whether we are aware of it or not, and regardless of the degree of effect on the person, the eyes let everything we see into our soul.

I wonder if people ever really think about that. I know I don’t. We use the senses constantly and habitually. And like anything that is repetitive or habitual in our lives, they are taken for granted. Often we realize the value of a sense when we lose the use of it temporarily or permanently. At any rate, we tend to not give a thought to the purpose of our senses. For this reason, we have to make the effort to think about our senses and how we use them.

It might seem like a strange notion, but we must ask ourselves questions like, “Am I about to use the gift of sight in a way that will glorify God and better myself?” A question like that asked at the right time can do wonders to help protect the soul from letting something inappropriate through the windows. Once we let something in, it’s there, for better or worse. The mind records it and it is yours for the rest of your life.

So why is it that we are not much more careful about our eyes? Why don’t we take a moment every day to ask God to give us strength to use our eyes for His glory? Why aren’t we working to develop good habits with our eyes, and work with God’s grace to get rid of bad habits?

The saints have written extensively about the importance of “guarding” our eyes. How far from this wisdom we seem to be today. We freely let our eyes observe anything we please, with a false notion that we don’t really allow what we see to have any negative effect on us. Even objectively good things can be dangerous to the eyes if there is wrong motive or overindulgence.

So what does this have to do with dating? Plenty! Decisions are made about a person we date due to how the other person uses their eyes. Think of the importance of eye contact, for example, when conversing. Someone with poor eye contact or who is easily distracted (always looking around or glancing at their mobile phone or watch) is going to have a tough time having dating success. Think about how our eyes observe another person. Is a man, for example, looking lustfully or lovingly at a woman he is dating? Is he looking at other girls while with a woman he is dating? Is a woman dressing a certain way so as to tempt a man through his eyes?

A more universal observation is the how men and women “stare down” (as it is called) persons of the opposite sex. I see it all the time from both men and women, but mostly men. It’s one thing to notice a lovely woman, recognize that, and move on. It’s quite another to do a “double take” or turn around as a woman walks by and stare at her backside. How does this use of the eyes contribute to our holiness? Is it something we should continue doing or stop?

When dating, there are so many things that play a role in deciding on a suitable partner. What movies or TV shows do they watch? What books or magazines do they read? What is considered “attractive” to them regarding clothes or behavior? What observations can you make about the other person that lead you to believe that person will or will not make a good spouse or parent? There are too many aspects to consider here. Suffice it to say that the eyes “communicate”. They speak volumes without a word spoken. They represent who we are in a very real way, and often without our realizing it. They tell a great deal about us as a person. So we must be careful to grow in awareness of how we use our eyes.

Pray to God to help you become aware, and ask for grace. Spend time with Jesus and ask Him to redeem your eyes and use them for His purposes. Examine your conscience every night, reflecting on the use of your eyes that day. Get rid of bad habits of the eyes you have developed. Dedicate your life to purifying the motives for using your eyes, and opening those windows only to that which will help the soul. And finally, feed the soul through the eyes with as much that serves God’s purpose for the eyes as you can in order to crowd out the weeds that have developed in the soul from the past. You can’t get rid of anything you let in, but you can certainly keep them subdued and out of the way through a garden of beauty that you allow to grow abundantly in your soul through an amended life of good use of the eyes. Consider the waste of time we are guilty of with even legitimate things that we overindulge in with our eyes. Write down all these things for a time. You will come to learn a great deal about yourself that needs to be changed if you are to fulfill your call to holiness.