Both Oars In It Takes Two to Tango, But Only One to Cheat

Jul 17, 2009

I don’t want to appear to be stuck on a theme, but I have found another industry that we can do without. According to Time Magazine, AshleyMadison.com, a website dedicated to helping patrons commit adultery, has four million subscribers. Time reports that nearly seven hundred thousand people have made a connection through the site. Time also reports that recent upgrades to the site’s iPhone and BlackBerry apps make using the site even easier to hide. This company is beyond counterproductive—it’s downright cynical.

While I adamantly reject AshleyMadison CEO Noel Biderman’s defense that we "are not meant to be monogamous," I recognize the logic in his claim that the site is "just a platform" and that "no website or 30-second ad is going to convince anyone to cheat." It is the cheater’s choice to cheat. This, of course, does nothing to justify a company that profits from making it easier to commit an immoral act that erodes the foundation of society.

In the same article, Biderman postulates, "People cheat because their lives aren’t working for them." I wonder how many adulterers, even if they were motivated by a lousy life, have improved their situation by logging on. Sadly, while in the throws of despair, we often choose to do the very thing that adds to our woes. I admit I often eat even more when I am feeling badly about my weight. Thank God, I have yet to find a way to hide the wrappers well enough to keep my wife from having the opportunity to remind me that indulgence solves nothing.

It is important to keep front and center that adultery is not only a bad choice, it is a personal choice. It cannot be justified by the actions of another. No matter how cold a spouse is or how alluring the accomplice, it is the adulterer that makes the choice to go astray. Literally and figuratively, the adulterer drives him or herself to the hotel, not his or her spouse. Adultery is an action, not a reaction.

Likewise, fidelity is a personal choice. We are first true to ourselves and spread the respect to others. Fidelity is about integrity and character, not simply contentment. Just as we are not a truthful person if we are honest only when it is comfortable, we cannot truly be an honorable person if we act honorably only when it suits us. The choice to behave in a dignified manner rests with the individual.

Unfortunately, adulterers tend to blame their infidelity on everything but a breakdown in self-discipline. In the past, chauvinists commonly claimed helplessness in the face of beauty. Today, equality demands a more even-keeled approach. So, the modern and emancipated blame chemistry and boredom. When the excuse of animal attraction fails to suffice, there is always the option of claiming to have stumbled innocently onto one’s "soul mate" after years of marriage. But, that explanation seems like it would engender even more wrath than usual from a wronged spouse.

It may sound old fashioned, but the best way to avoid adultery is chastity. Chastity is a self-discipline that is best learned young. Like water skiing, it just gets harder as we get older to pick it up. Depending on one’s state in life, it involves celibacy, abstinence or periodic abstinence. Studies show that couples who practice natural family planning, which requires intentional periodic abstinence, have lower divorce rates. As parents, we should encourage our children to develop this virtue.

Concurrently, we should also help our children develop the attendant qualities of loyalty and honesty in their friendships and social activities. Given the increased incidences of infidelity in younger marriages, it is worth asking if the trend among high school students toward belonging to several organizations and teams at the same time to strengthen college applications and to develop athletic skills is weakening the ability of our youth to commit to others.

Researchers are delving into the relationship between pre-marital cohabitation and infidelity. Indications are that living together before marriage and having premarital relations increase both the chance an individual will commit adultery and the rate of divorce. While it is unclear whether adultery is the cause or the symptom, it is clear that both divorce and infidelity are increasing. Unfortunately, AshleyMadison.com is in a growth market.

According to Time, when asked how he would feel if his own wife used the site, Biderman said he "would be devastated" –one would think doubly so since he would be an accomplice to his own cuckolding. It is hard to understand a married man overseeing a website facilitating infidelity. But, then again, greed blinds some even more than love.