Catholic & Single Persevering through unchaste temptations

Jun 2, 2010

Dear Anthony, I am a chaste woman who takes the teachings of the Church seriously. I have been dating Catholic men for 30 years and have grown discouraged that I will ever meet the right person. Sadly, most of these men I've dated make no apology for wanting to have sex with me. When they see I am adamantly never going to give in and am saving myself for marriage, they lose interest. I realize human beings are weak, but I don't understand why I am able to combat temptations of the flesh but so many are not. I feel like I am going crazy, and I don't like feeling that I need to give in to pre-marital sex just to win a man.

You are not going crazy. In fact, you are quite the saintly person. I know that in this day and age it's difficult to find someone who has not succumbed to the temptations of pre-marital sex. I am happy to see that you are not discounting being open to someone who has had pre-marital sex in the past. If you did, then you would be narrowing your opportunities significantly.

What is clear and admirable is that you want to be respected. You are a woman who loves God so much that you will not succumb to the use of God's gifts of sexuality inappropriately. You want to save yourself for marriage. This is the ultimate respect to show your future spouse because of the very graphic nature of what marriage is; giving the other person rights to your body. At a wedding ceremony, two persons exchange the rights to each other's bodies. What a beautiful gift it is to give this person your virginity with those rights.

This is what people don't understand about pre-marital sex. It's not about avoiding pregnancy (though that is important), nor about it being a sin (though that is important), nor about it being hard to combat because of the human weakness of two people who are falling in love (though this is important to understand). At the heart of virginity is the right of expressing our sexuality. For a consecrated individual, their virginity is a vow to God which voluntarily, generously, and joyfully forfeits the right to give their body to another person as a gift to God in their consecrated life to Him. Why? Because it is God they will be married to, and Who has the rights to their body.

For a person who feels they are called to marriage, their body is to be a gift to that one person they choose of their own free will, and with whom their sexuality will be expressed. It is a "must" that they use their bodies sacramentally in this Divine design of their sexuality, which is meant to unify, procreate, and permanently bond. Every act of pre-marital intercourse is wrong primarily because it does not follow a free will exchange of rights to each other's body. Therefore, neither of them have a right to commit that sacred act.

You understand this. It is an aspect of who you are. Who you are is a woman who wants to show the highest respect for her future spouse. You understand that human beings are weak. Too often others are not able to succeed in saving one's self for marriage. They should not be made to feel they have lost their chance at a holy sacramental union in marriage. However, although a person who has pre-marital sex experiences is capable of having a happy and holy marriage, they have lost their chance to offer themselves to God and their future spouse in this important gift of self. This is very sad. I pray that more people will realize how tragic it is to give up their virginity for temporary physical pleasure that cannot guarantee future happiness, and how significant it is give that virginity to the person they pledge their life to.

Someone like yourself faces the possibility of never being married, and therefore never offering your body to one person. You face never losing your virginity, or experiencing the physical and spiritual pleasures that come with sexual expression in marriage. It is a wonderful thing, when you have true love. But let me add that it can be a disaster if you are married to the wrong person. Any man who will only be open to making a permanent commitment to a woman if he gets to experience her body BEFORE marriage is not a man who is capable of being the kind of husband required in marriage, nor arguably is capable of selfless love required to make marriage work.

Even if people have been taught pre-marital sex is wrong, and is a sin and offense against God, there can still be a major ignorance that keeps them from remaining a virgin. That ignorance has to do with the will and one's ability to control oneself as they face temptation, coupled by a lack of connection of their humanity with the Divine. Pre-maritial sex is a huge temptation. No one can survive this temptation who has not developed the virtue of self-control. Without a well developed will, weakness can take over the undisciplined person and they fall.

The person prone to give in to pre-marital sex has disconnected themselves from the Divine. They have a compartment for God and a select way they will love Him, and a separate compartment that stores their own desires. This means they are living a dual life. Instead of destroying the compartmentalizing approach to God so that every aspect of their life is connected to God, they foster the dualism in order to justify their poor (and dare I say "unGodly") choices. They have to! How else can a Christian person who claims to love God get away with such actions?

I have met so many well-meaning Catholic people who are suffering from dualism and undisciplined will. They do not even realize it. All of us Catholic persons have a responsibility to seek truth and take advantage of the Sacraments that supply God's grace to help us rise above life's setbacks. God is always inviting us to know ourselves and make the decision to choose Him above ourselves.

This answers your question about why you can live chastely and others cannot. You told me about your upbringing and your strong parents who lived this chaste life, and impressed it upon you strongly. It was accompanied by character building and learning self-control. They helped you develop your will to be strong and disciplined, and guided you to live your life completely connected with the Divine. Living fully connected to God, particularly through the Sacramental life of the Church, is how you maintain it.

You should not consider yourself anything other than blessed, and take delight in knowing that you are living your call to be a saint by choosing faithfulness to God. Our happiness is not in another human being, it is in union with God. Keep your hope alive and yourself available to meet a man who will love you and marry you. But if it never happens, remember that your reward will be great in Heaven.

Jesus Christ is really present in the Eucharist and His image on a Crucifix is where you will experience the ultimate witness of self-control and connection of the human and Divine. You have the Eucharistic Lord in your heart and at the center of your life. That is ultimately why you are able to remain chaste and not waiver from your position. You are giving witness to these men (whether they know it or not). Everyone should have such focus on Christ.  Then they would persevere through unchaste temptations.