Jul 21, 2010
(In response to Lisa’s comment on “I’m not good enough for you” article, whose comment is paraphrased here):
I am beginning to develop a new friendship and this man keeps telling me what a 'good' person I am. This makes me uncomfortable. Other men have felt they were not good enough for me, which we know is ridiculous. I have fear that my pride can get involved and I will lose humility in thinking I really am good. After reading your comments and reflecting on previous experiences I am realizing that I must not be showing my true self, warts and all. Do you think it could be that I am not being as open and honest with myself or others with which I am developing a relationship?
I applaud you for considering how you present yourself in the relationship (warts and all, as you say). That is admirable. We should not feel we have to force ourselves to show our weaknesses, faults and bad habits. We should just be ourselves. Those things will come out alongside the good qualities. If you wear a mask (only showing others what you want them to see), this would be deception. It is also not practical because your true and whole self will come out eventually.
My guess is these men have guilt about their own lack of trust in God and their decisions to not improve themselves. Therefore, when they meet a good person, they can't bear it too long because it means they have to change something about themselves. So they make the "you're too good for me" excuse. Women, of course, do this as well.
People willing to say "you're so good and I don't deserve you" need to confront themselves before the Eucharistic Lord. They need to wake up to the reality that they are hurting themselves, as well as the person that they "could have" had if they were not so prideful. They stand before a good person who also has flaws and issues, but they do not see those things. They only see the good things, and they make the fallacious assumption that the person is "too good" to be interested in them.
This is utterly ridiculous (to be casual), and actually quite prideful and even sinful (to be very direct). It is a sin to believe any person is "too good." Jesus Himself rebuked someone for saying he was "good." In rebuke, He says that only God is good. Did that mean Jesus was not pure goodness? No. He was making a point to give us an example to follow. The point is that no one is good except for God. Any good we offer to another person comes from God, Who lives in us and through us.
We should all strive to become better "good people.” That only means we are working on our relationship with God. Those who are reluctant to move forward in a dating relationship with a person they believe is too “good” for them are basically telling that person "Hey, my relationship with God is not where it should be, nor am I working on making it better." They are also saying, "You must be God because you are so good, and that is what you need me to be in order to be with you." That second point is very scary. People need to realize that they have the capability of making the other person a god. Human beings are NOT God.
As Christians we share the Divine nature via our Baptism, so we are very much like God. But we are sinners. We sin daily. We all have our shortcomings and negative qualities It is a sin to make someone else out to be a god and expect them to be your savior. Worse, it is a sin to sabotage our relationships with other human beings by considering them to be God.
Only God can love as each person needs. The objective of each person is to love others as God loves us, as Jesus taught us to love, and to do that as far as we can by God's grace. It is grace that makes us "good people.” The better we are, the more of Jesus Christ we project to others.
For someone to say you are good is definitely a compliment. There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel proud about someone saying that. It is when we consider ourselves "good" by our own power that we give way to the sin of pride.
For someone to say you are too good for them is an excuse. It can only mean that they feel guilty around you. You are a reminder to them that they have chosen to reject God's grace and invitation to become a better person. They are blind to your flaws and are accusing you of not being a fellow human being, a fellow sinner. They need you to be as bad as they are to justify where they are in their spiritual life and be comfortable in their lack of efforts to get closer to the Eucharistic Lord. You are a real threat.
When they actually back off the relationship or end it, they have decided that your goodness is not an example they are able to follow. You are drawing them closer to Christ. Though this is a good thing, they don't want that kind of confrontation. Rather, they have decided that is not what they want and therefore they cannot continue being around you. They will seek someone who is as weak as they are.
This might sound like I am being pretty harsh on those who feel that they are with someone who is too good for them. But all I am trying to do is make them consider certain things they may not have considered before. I hope that they use their experiences of meeting someone they believe is too good for them as an opportunity to get their act together, and NOT just settle on finding someone as weak and distant from God as they are.
I want everyone to accept that all persons are sinners and flawed. That marriage is between two sinners who will be helpmates to each other toward their personal sanctity, not two saints who don't need each other or one is so good that the other is the only one who will benefit. That meeting a good person is an encounter with God through that person, and an invitation by God to get closer to Him. That the feeling of another person being too good for you means that you are not accepting the other's flaws and shortcomings, and this will always hurt your ability to have a healthy relationship that grows in love with Jesus Christ at the center.
Think of what Purgatory is. When we die, we immediately come face-to-face with Jesus for the particular judgment. We see Jesus in all His glory, goodness, and love. The light is blinding and very revealing. The light of Christ causes us to see ourselves for who we are and all we have done in our lifetime. Though we recognize that we are worthy to be with God in Heaven for all eternity, we are not quite ready. We notice that we are not yet presentable enough to meet the Father and dwell in Heaven. So we tell the Jesus, "Lord, please, allow me to make myself presentable before entering.” We know by the light of Christ that we "must" spend time in Purgatory before we are ready to enter into Heaven.
This is how it should be for those who feel they are not worthy of someone. If anything, it should be that the person we think so good is a light of Christ revealing who we should strive to become. The Purgatory on earth is the time we spend WITH the flawed person. We are perfected as we share a lifetime of joys and sorrows WITH that person whom we discover is as sinful and flawed as we are, while at the same time being drawn to Christ through that person's goodness and positive qualities. Enduring each others faults purifies us, while enjoying each other's goodness makes us a gift to the other.
No one should feel someone is too good for them. That would mean that you believe you are unworthy. That is just not true. A genuinely good person is one who knows they are a sinner but trusts in God's goodness. A truly good person wants to share all that is good in them with others, especially one special person in marital love. What a gift two people give to each other who have that humility and practicality about human love and marriage.