Catholic & Single Should I be flirting more?

Aug 25, 2010

Dear Anthony: I feel that I am competing with women who are more flirtatious than me. A nice mam I am seeing likes to look at women who dress a little more provocative and who flirt. I am not like that; I'm just myself. I dress modern and pretty, but I don't really like to show too much flesh or wear things that make certain parts of my body stand out. Is that so wrong? I'm not "prudish", but I respect myself and believe God expects women to behave appropriately. Do I need to be more flirty, or should I just continue being the way I believe I should be?

First, I want to applaud you. It is very important for women to be sensitive and mindful to the way they dress and behave in public, particular with men. You are obviously a conscientious Christian woman who loves God and does not want to offend Him, and want to attract a normal, upright Catholic man with strong faith and who respects women.

You have answered your own question just by the way you are presenting your concern. You don’t want to change, nor should you. Anyone who betrays who they are just because it will get them in better with another person is only causing harm to themselves and anyone whom they interact with. So you have to faithful to yourself and your beliefs. Obviously, you don’t want to dress provocatively, nor do you want to be a shameless flirt. I applaud that.

It is alarming how much of an issue this has become among Catholics, of all people, who should be wiser than to be suckered into this mentality. I have addressed this subject on my blog before. I am sure I will be addressing it again in the future.

It’s important to point out that flirting has its place in a relationship. Is flirting necessary? Technically no, though most people find flirting to be a sign that they are with a normal person. I guess if two people who don’t flirt all, nor like to, nor know how to, are able to meet and interact without any need of what flirting provides, then it is not necessary. But most people need flirting to help them relax and gain confidence as they develop a relationship. Married couples find it important, too, for making each other feel good and special. It does have its place in relationships.

Let’s first take a look at the word. I like definitions to give us perspective. The dictionary defines flirt as, “to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions”. Trifling meaning insignificant or trivial. Amorously meaning inclined or disposed to love. Synonyms are tease, entice, playful. It’s interesting it uses the word “court.” I doubt that much flirting that goes on is in the context of courtship. But we can work with this definition.

The implication is that to flirt is to interact with a member of the opposite sex in a playful, teasing kind of way in the context of love. Another way to put it is we “dabble” with someone in the love arena. Some “dabble” and keep it innocent and all in good fun. Some “dabble” with the openness to it becoming something more (for better or for worse). It’s like flirting with disaster. We dabble in something dangerous, but seemingly not enough for it to really be life threatening.

I think there is a modesty required when it comes to flirting, however. What I just described above is what I would call modest flirtation. Modesty, of course, means balance; not over or under doing it. In this case, not too over the top or aggressive, and not too lacking or vacant.

Over-the-top flirting is not what you think it is. It’s hard to define what is over-the-top when there is flirting between two people. But there can be a recklessness to flirting that affects others you have no business gaining the attention of. This would be the “shameless flirt;” someone who makes no apologies for dressing provocatively in public and behaving in ways that attract the eye of anyone who might want to partake in their display; someone who does not mind meeting eyes with a man who is with another woman. (Men can do this to women as well).

It is very difficult for men today. There are so many women out in public who do not mind attracting men, so they dress to do it and act in ways that will do it. Men often just cannot help but notice. So we must not be too hard on men when it comes to noticing provocative, flirty women (or just beautiful looking women in general who are not trying to be provocative, nor intend to be).

But it’s what men do next that defines their character. They could A) catch themselves noticing the woman and immediately turn their head away, B) turn away but give a second glance, or C) just stare and check her out until he is done. Perhaps a D would be that he never notices her at all and remains caught up in the eyes of the girl he is with. Isn’t that romantic? You bet it is. But that is a tall order, so let’s not be too quick to criticize him (though there are men who will definitely do that).

The first shows self-control and requires the practice of self-discipline. The first also shows that there is nothing wrong with noticing the woman in the first place, and that he is a normal, functioning male. B and C tell something not so flattering about the man. He is easily lured away by that type of woman. Perhaps he is also weak in his spiritual life that he does not know the obvious; that it is wrong to glare and stare a woman. He is also possibly naïve to think that this cannot do anything negative to harm him at any level as he observes the woman.

It is natural that a woman would feel as you feel when with a man who does this to her. Women are all about security and feeling special. A man has to impress upon the woman he is interested in that she is the focus of his being; which includes his eyes as well as his heart. He is wrong to observe other women at all as he pursues her, let alone in her presence (come on, guys!). Okay, so the initial noticing of the provocative woman you can get away with. But don’t give the second glance, and don’t stare as to consume her through your eyes.

This is a real dilemma women like yourself are in. You want to give men their due chances, both to overcome these things and also to prove his ability to make you feel like the most unique and special woman in the world. A man really must do both. If he cannot, then you need to move on. But by all means, do not succumb to the temptation to change yourself just to gain the attention of a man.

I would advise that you become more graceful, more interesting, and just overall irresistible because of your charms. Look elegant and pretty without being provocative looking. Behave charmingly, gracefully, and adorably without being seductive and inappropriate. Respect yourself and be confident. Flirt modestly, like someone in a Jane Austen book. And above all, be a woman of virtue, values and integrity. Don’t let these provocative, immodest flirty women bring you down. They cannot compete with what you have to offer.

God is pleased with women who conduct themselves as real women who care about men. Men must respond by showing they care about women by conducting themselves like real men. They are not called “gentle-men” for nothing. If men are migrating to those women, they are passing up the great feast just to have junk food. And they are not the gentleman you want to make your husband and the father of your children.