Both Oars In Love, hate and the teenage daughter

Sep 17, 2010

It is clear that Aristotle did not have a teenage daughter. Or, he would not have denied the possibility that two contradictory statements can be true at the same time. I offer these two statements as my proof: “I hate you, Dad.” and “I love you, Dad.” Not only does my daughter hold these statements both to be true at the same time, I am also suspicious that they mean the same thing to her—which, of course, further buries Aristotle’s principle.

 

Ok, I admit it. I do not know if Aristotle had a teenage daughter. But, I do. That is why I firmly believe that teenage girls often use the word hate and love interchangeably. As proof, I offer the following common conversation between a father and daughter. [I have changed the names to protect me. It is one thing to say your daughter hates you in print. It is something totally different to actually write about her personal life. After all, this isn’t Facebook—this is public.]

 

“I saw Rick at the movies.”

 

“Oh?” [Father’s standard self-protective, non-committal response to avoid head-shearing]

 

“Yeah, we talked. It was nice.”

 

“I thought you said that you hated that guy.”

 

“Yep.”

 

There it is—proof again of holding two contradictory thoughts at the same time. Some people will try to argue that her feelings changed and that she does not actually hate and love the guy at the same time. But, these people simply do not have teenage daughters. They probably have psychology degrees.

 

In my experience, love and hate are never present separately in the teenage daughter. They are like the two masks that represent drama; they always appear together. [Drama comes to mind for the obvious reason here.] They are just two sides of the same emotion. They are inseparable and simultaneous.

 

I am not criticizing. In fact, I am in awe. I think it is amazing how much more sophisticated my daughter is at her age than my son was. For one thing, she requires more than food, water and gas money to be happy. She requires understanding and affirmation. These are very adult qualities. I know this because I like them, too, now—but, only since I turned 45.

 

I try to understand my daughter. Yet, I feel like I am always being told “You just don’t understand, Dad.” Sometimes my daughter is less critical. With pity, she will say, “Dad, you just don’t understand.” Somehow, I appreciate the difference.

 

But sometimes, I think I do understand. I feel unjustly convicted. I wish I could appeal to arbitration or Judge Judy. I don’t think it is fair that my daughter is judge, jury and plaintive.

 

(Column continues below)

But, the only appeals court is her mom. And, she hasn’t overturned a judgment yet. I think there are real issues with impartiality when it comes to mothers and daughters. So, I just sing prison songs to myself and do my time.

 

I also work hard to be affirming. Unfortunately, I have about the same amount of success with this as I do with being understanding. Somehow half the compliments I give my daughter she takes as criticism. This is partly due, I think, to hate and love being the same in her mind. It often goes like this.

 

“Hey, that is a pretty outfit.”

 

“Really, Dad. I wore it yesterday!”

 

To recover, I say, “You’re smart. You can do really well in school.”

 

“All you care about are grades. Really, Dad, you are a horrible parent!”

 

Maybe, I am the one that mixes up love and hate because somehow all I hear is “I will love you, Dad, when I am 25” no matter what she says now. And, all I see, no matter how sophisticated she has become, is my little girl for which I thank heaven.