Catholic & Single Do you love me?

Oct 20, 2010

My son’s high school is ambitiously attempting to perform “Fiddler on the Roof” for the school play. In preparation for tryouts, we watched the film as a family. It was the first time for all the kids and they loved it. The story brilliantly shows how the story of love for each couple can vary greatly, but still accomplishes the end goal.

The end goal is a good match of two people who can successfully live out the vocation to marriage. The film is constantly bringing out the question of whether or not the two people are a good match. Those trying to play matchmaker are considering traditional elements of the practical life in marriage, whereas the young people considering their future are concerned with love as their bedrock for marriage.

In my opinion, the most important scene of the story is where the question of love is considered when it comes to the marriage of the parents. “Do you love me?” Tevye asks his wife, Golde. She is shocked by the question and attempts to avoid it. He persists, and she seems disturbed by the pursuit, as if to indicate that it is a dumb question and wants to forget about it and move on with preparations for the Sabbath.

Very, very interesting and observant commentary by the writer to explore this question for this couple married for 25 years and living life the exact same way every day. Are there really couples like this? Can you be married for 25 years and all of a sudden wonder if there is love? The answer is a resounding “yes.” When you have been busy for 25 years raising children, working hard to provide for and run a home, and all the surprises that life brings, you most certainly can have moments where you wonder where your relationship is.

The question of Tevye does not imply that he is worried or has any security issues about his marriage. He is clearly married to this woman, and she is his life just as he is her life. They both know that without question. “Do you love me?” asks if they are still connected; a team; that they “want” to be with each other, not just “have” to; that should there be a disruption in their relationship, both would be affected. Very simply, he wants to know if they both still choose each other, despite their financial condition, any personal faults or weaknesses, and anything the other has said or done.

Golde’s reply and how the couple ends the scene is something I believe most people today would at least secretly say, “There is no way I want that for me. I would rather be alone.” Why? Because Golde finally replies that for 25 years she has lived with him, cooked for him, cleaned for him, struggled in daily life with him, tolerated and put up with him, and raised 5 daughters with him; so she says yes, she loves him. For many people, this is a very unappealing depiction of what marriage is, and would ask “is that all there is?” Sometimes I wonder what Tevye and Golde would say if we could ask them if they would want their relationship to be more than this; if they would like to have those feelings of love they witness in their children’s relationships. I would bet they would say “yes,” but only in a casual way. The fact is, they are used to each other and used to their life. They are also set in their ways.

So they don’t have the blissful feelings of love their daughters have. Maybe they never did. Tevye admits that the first time he saw Golde was on his wedding day. How could they have those feelings? But does that mean they did not love each other for those 25 years? Absolutely not! Their love is real. It might not be ideal, but it is real.

Real marital love is first and foremost practical and with social purpose. God needs marriages for the greatest glorification we human beings can give Him, which is children. Children help form families that establish sound societies in this world, as well as populate Heaven. A very basic purpose for marriage. Add to this the practical element of the mutual help of the man and woman as partners and helpmates to each other. The stability of marital love helps the individual person live in peace and purpose.

Tevye and Golde lived this. They were committed to this purpose, along with the other ends of marriage, which are fidelity and permanence. They accepted their life together. They were not people who grew up with the concept of affectionate love, therefore were probably not comfortable with displaying their love in that way.

If blissful feelings accompany the practical elements of marital love, then all the better. But feelings come and go, and sometimes die. But true love does not. Am I against feelings and prioritizing feelings when it comes to discovering love? No. I think the feelings of being in love are like no other feelings. What I am saying is that the practical elements of marital love are a higher priority than the feelings. Knowing what true marital love is and requires, and action on that knowledge is much more important than feeling love and acting only if the feelings are there.

“Fiddler on the Roof” provides us with an insightful look at what true love is. Feelings of love do play an important role in drawing us into the mystery of love between a man and woman, but can deceive us just enough to lead us away from certain truths and realities if we are not careful.

Anyone can have a good, happy, loving marriage even if there are not the fireworks feelings that one or both might desire, as long as there is a mutual acceptance of what they have and a commitment to that reality. It might not be the ideal, but then again, what married couple is living the ideal? Living the vocation of marriage is not about the ideal, it is about the practical.

In fact, the lesson of the love that Jesus Christ has for us is that it is precisely when we do not have a good, warm, fuzzy feeling that the actions of love are proven. The security that marital love requires comes not from the ever fluctuating feelings of love, but from the steady living out of daily mutual self-donation. Our feelings of joy come from serving God in our vocation and the certitude of knowing we are where we are meant to be. God willing, the person you marry feels the same way and lives it. Then marriage is the best thing in the world.

Praise be to God for the romantic feelings that accompany the demands of unconditional marital love; may they remain always with a couple. But should they diminish or die, may God help us to realize that love is still there and to continue carrying out the mission of love.