Dec 8, 2010
In case you don’t know, Lino Rulli is the host of “The Catholic Guy” show on Sirius Satellite Radio, on which I am frequently a guest. Lino and I have a great time on his program as we attempt to address issues single Catholics face. Lino also happens to be an eligible bachelor.
As I have gotten to know Lino, I cannot help think that there is no reason a nice guy with a good job and moderately nice looks (I don’t want him to get a big head) should not have success finding a nice girl and settling down. Especially on a Catholic dating site like Ave Maria Singles, of which he is a member.
We have addressed his dating life often and I have heard where he is coming from regarding why he is still unmarried. I know him well enough that he will not mind me asking the question, “What’s wrong with Lino Rulli?”
What’s wrong with Lino is what is wrong with many men and women. Their expectations are way too high. On a recent program, I asked Lino what exactly he’s looking for. He said he wants an Italian girl who lives in New York, is younger than him (preferably much younger), and is Catholic but not too Catholic (???).
That’s being pretty selective. Well, it shouldn’t be too hard, right? New York must be full of Italian not-too-Catholic girls who are much younger than he is. Apparently not. He’s still single.
I suggested that he might be narrowing things too much and probably inhibiting his ability to notice the good women whom God is putting in his path. He seemed to think that God knows him well enough and He is powerful enough to make this happen for him the way he would like. It’s hard to argue with that.
This is what is called the problem of “expectations.” We all have them. It is quite natural to have expectations about the person you hope to meet, fall in love with, and marry. But it can be very crippling to have too many expectations (and worse, unrealistic expectations).
So many people write into us at Ave Maria Singles wanting to know how many people are in their local area. They want to find out if there is someone in their town BEFORE they will join. Surprisingly, this makes sense to them. But it is a very narrow view. You need peripheral vision to understand that this is the wrong approach to meeting someone these days.
The fact is, if the person you are seeking has not been found locally in more natural, traditional ways, it is highly unlikely you will find this person locally in an online search.
So the problem with the Lino Rulli’s of the world is they want what they want, when they want it. Let me say that again. They want....what they want.....when they want it.
And just like that, God cannot work in their dating lives. Why? Control. We are controlling people. Even those with a strong faith in God still are tempted to want (and insist on having) control of their lives.
That “check list” of requirements in the person we will marry is quite long, and always getting longer as time goes by and our age increases. That’s because as we age, we become set in our ways and more particular in our tastes. The limitations we impose on those we date can prohibit us from seeing the very obvious good person who can be right in our path.
The more expectations we have the blinder we get. And expectations of others without a balance of expectations on ourselves is unwise. We get to the point where all that matters is that we have our own desires satisfied, and we give no thought to what the other person might expect of us. So what is the answer? It is something we generally don’t like to hear. Be open-minded and attentive to the people whom God does put in your path. Shut down the fantasies of those whom you want to come along but never will. They are phantoms, mirages. They are distractions that blind you to the people God wants you to meet and choose from.
I believe Lino could be married and with many children by now. He will argue that the right one has not come along. I would argue that he is right ONLY in the sense that it is based on his own benchmark, not an authentic openness to God’s will.
I feel sorry for those who are focused on a long list of expectations, especially when they do nothing about improving themselves. I personally don’t believe that most unmarried Catholics are incapable of being married. I just think they don’t “measure up” to the impossible standards that so many people have.
And the result? Too many people who “should” be married are not. And babies that “should” be brought into the world are not. And all this because the girl is not Italian? Doesn’t live in New York? Is too Catholic? Is not the right age?
There are some expectations that are critical. The person needs to have God as the authority of their life, Whom they defer to when they need direction, forgiveness and mercy. They need to be someone who desires to become a better person, growing in virtue, and be capable of forgiving others and asking for forgiveness.
Resist the temptation to be overly critical of others based on your personal tastes and be open to the beauty and uniqueness that each person has to share. And find a way to limit those requirements. Do you really want to pass up on a God-send just because they don’t live in your area?
The good news is Lino has reformed his ways and no longer requires an Italian. So there is hope for us all.
Lino, you know I love ya. :-)