Feb 1, 2011
I heard something truly shocking not too long ago: a man spoke in open admiration of his wife.
No, really.
It was at a break between sessions at a conference. A couple of us were standing around pouring coffee and jawing about this and that as people do. I can’t quite recall how it came up, but just as naturally as anything one of the men started talking about how wonderful his wife is:
“You will not have a banal conversation with my wife. She is thoughtful and deep and always brings conversation to a more profound and edifying level. At the same time, she has such a sense of fun and such gentle good humor, she will never bring you down. She is a beautiful soul, a wonderful writer and an extraordinary person.”
As he spoke I was filled with the desire to meet his wife, who sounds lovely and lively!
Three other ideas struck me forcefully as well as he was talking.
It was truly delightful hearing a husband speak with such unabashed affection for his wife. It was so refreshing it warmed my heart for several days and the thought of it still makes me smile.
Secondly, I’ve been reflecting that the reason this utterly minor incident so caught my attention is because it is rare to hear spouses complement each other. The social convention is to gripe a little –perhaps in a joking way—about differences between the sexes. Or if the two spouses are out together in public, they tend to crack wise at each others’ expense.
I’m sure this isn’t entirely negative. Some of the moments I feel closest to my husband are when we’re joshing each other. Jokes can be gentle and genuinely affectionate, and the most intimate connections of the heart that would be inappropriate to put on display for others. Sometimes we tease to keep from exposing deeper feelings to ridicule or to the public.
Still, isn’t it odd that the President can praise the First Lady, but otherwise what we’re most likely to hear about are the burned roasts, the forgotten anniversaries, the odd-ball habits? It seems to me there’s more than a little savor of Adam & Eve in this spousal tendency to poke at each other rather than praise. Rather than manfully admit his own guilt after the Fall, Adam pointed at Eve: “This woman you gave me! She tempted me.” It smacks a lot of “Take my wife…please!” doesn’t it?
It would have been nobler in Adam to stick up for his wife, but in his weakness he instead added to the burden of sin and separation which their mutual disobedience introduced into every relationship since.
Which brings me to the third reflection engendered by a simple remark. It made such an impression on me I felt inspired to write a note to the wife in question to let her know how her husband talks about her when she’s not around. I received a nice note back, assuring me she knows how blessed she is, and praising her husband in turn. “How blessed I am to be loved by him and to love him.”
Marriage has its crosses as married people know. Thinking of the charm and delight of hearing a man praise his wife — in contrast to what seems like a constant assault on marriage legally and culturally — it occurs to me that a perhaps neglected means to strengthen marriage is deceptively simple. To the litany of gripes and dysfunction and jeering we might add a quiet, but clear and encouraging counter-witness of what’s right and lovely about Christian marriage.
“My husband is wonderful.” “I love my wife.”