Catholic Men When your wife is more devout than you

Jun 20, 2011

“Okay, out with it,” I said to my wife. She’d been keeping something to herself for a while, but I knew that she finally wanted to tell me about it.

“For the past year, I’ve been doing a secret fast for you. You know, for your spiritual growth.”

She looked a bit sheepish, but relieved as well.

This wasn’t as strange as it may at first sound, because my wife often fasted from various things — usually desserts or other things she liked — offering them for some specific person or intention. I knew about these, since she would share them with me. But now, apparently, I was the target of her particular fast.

I took no little umbrage at this. After all, I take my family to Mass every Sunday, sometimes go to daily Mass myself, and I lead my family in prayers before meals. Sure, I could read the Bible and pray more frequently, but who couldn’t, right? Nonetheless, my wife’s fast confirmed for me something I had long suspected: she was more devout than I.

Though exceptions exist, I suspect that is the case with most Catholic couples. And perhaps this isn’t surprising, since God made women to receive the gift and bear new life, and this fruitfulness is both physical and spiritual. He also gave women the privilege of being the heart of the home, and with that comes special graces of devotion. Our Blessed Mother embodies the ultimate example of these womanly graces.

But God made us men to be the head of our families. So regardless of whether we are more or less devout than our wives, it is up to us to lead our families in natural and supernatural matters. Rather than being resentful of the wonderful gifts our Lord has bestowed upon our spouses, we must embrace them and complement them with our own special gifts. Here are three tips on how to do this:

1.  Ask your wife to respect your leadership
Talk frankly with your wife about how she can help you in your role as father and head of your home. Sometimes she may know before you do what the best course of action is, but just as Mary waited for St. Joseph to take their family to Egypt, she needs to wait for you. That doesn’t mean that her input isn’t important — by all means you should frequently ask for it and take it into consideration — but then she should give you space to prayerfully discern the right course of action and respect your decision.

2. Let your wife invite you to pray with her
This one has worked well for me and my wife. We’re in the car with the children, just starting out on an errand or trip together. She’s thinking how nice it would be to pray the rosary or Divine Mercy Chaplet. I’m thinking about which songs I want to listen to on the road. I see her start to reach for the rosary beads hanging from the rearview mirror. At this point, I can decide: do I let her pray silently by herself, or am I willing to forego music for a short time to pray with her. Usually I opt for the latter, because time in the car is a great opportunity to pray together, time that we sometimes don’t take when we’re busy with the children at home.

We’ve done this enough times that it is now my wife who asks, “Would you like to pray with me?” For a long time, she didn’t feel comfortable asking me to pray with her, since I would often respond with a reluctant sigh. But I came to realize that my reaction was bad, and I told my wife that whenever she desires to pray, she should invite me to pray with her. This has been a great blessing for our marriage and for the peace of our family.

3. Deepen your own interior life
Maybe we will never be as devout as our wives, but that shouldn’t stop us from striving to reach the level of sanctity that God wills for us. The rule to follow here is, start wherever you are at and take small steps forward from there. If you never go to daily Mass, go one day a week. If you go to Confession once every two or three months, try to make it once per month. If you aren’t reading the Bible, start reading a little each day, beginning with the Gospels. If you are already doing these things, find an adoration chapel in your area and take a weekly holy hour. And wherever you are at in your walk with Jesus, look for a spiritual director — preferably a priest — and meet with him regularly for guidance.

Don’t fall into the trap that I often do of comparing myself to other men. “Hey, I’m doing pretty well — just look at that guy. He’s way worse than I am!” As tempting as it is to compare yourself with those even less devout than you are, it doesn’t help, and more importantly it is not how you will be judged when you go before God one day.

God made our wives wonderfully. And we should see their devotion for what it is — a beautiful gift — and not as a cause for intimidation or self-consciousness. My wife and I continue to learn how to respect each other in this area, and I keep working on my own spiritual growth.