December 03, 2012

Raising independent Catholic kids in an age of conformity

By Randy Hain *
Sexting, drugs, alcohol, cyber-bullying, teen suicide, rampant materialism, technology addiction, and me-first mindsets. The list of challenges to young people today can seem overwhelming. As parents of two boys under the age of 16, I feel like my wife and I are on the front lines of a never-ending war for the very souls of our children. I would love to tell you that we always make the right decisions, but some days I am not so sure.

My wife and I often feel worn out from the daily challenges of protecting the boys from the worst excesses of the surrounding culture while also teaching them how to live in the real world with their faith and values intact. Granted, we know full well our vocation is to get ourselves and our children to heaven, but we feel like we are swimming against the current much of the time. Prayer is always a source of comfort and strength, as is simply asking Jesus to help us with our burdens and to watch over our sons. I am not sure how we would make it through a single week as parents without our Catholic faith.

We don’t have all the answers, but we do have a lot of lessons! Here is what we have learned in our parenting journey so far about raising independent and faith-filled children:

1. Model strong faith and prayer. Attending Mass, holy days, and evening prayers are to be expected. We go to Reconciliation frequently and let the kids know why it is so important for our souls. We also make sure our children pray with us in public over every meal. We frequently pray for others and are trying to incorporate family Rosary time in our home. Bottom line: we love our faith and pray and hope that they see and model our behavior.

2. Engage and Guide. If we don’t spend quality time with our kids, they may fill it with something potentially harmful (inappropriate peers, harmful video games, bad TV, etc.). Dinner time is sacred at our house. We play games and read together as often as possible. They are allowed TV and video game time, but we carefully audit both and there are time limits. We engage in conversation about the real world and never cease to be amazed at how interested they are in politics and other issues. Often, our boys just want our time and a listening ear.

3. Encourage independent thinking and creativity. We provide guidelines, but also encourage the boys to come up with their own answers to questions. We give them ample opportunity to make decisions and encourage them to think creatively. Instead of telling them the answers to questions, we often respond with “What do you think is the right answer?”

4. Encourage them to dream. If they have their own dreams and goals, they will be less likely to follow the pack mentality in their schools. Their goals may change each month (our experience), but at least they are being genuine. When they share a goal or dream with us, we can then talk about what they will need to do to achieve it.

5. Don’t try to keep up with the Jones'. We honestly don’t care what our neighbors and friends have in the way of material possessions. We weren’t raised that way and it’s not a priority. Our kids see this and hopefully learn from our example. To reinforce it, we often discuss the family budget, saving and giving money to the Church and other causes. Our kids are also encouraged to save up for things they might want with their own money. Christmas and birthdays are the only gift-giving days in our house.

6. Encourage gratitude. Be grateful for what we have and encourage this through involving the kids in volunteer activities that help those less fortunate. We say what and who we are grateful for during prayer time. Our observation is that grateful children are less likely to be greedy children and they won’t covet what advertisers and their friends say they should have.

7. Embrace old-fashioned customs. Yes, we actually teach our kids to open the doors for ladies and senior citizens, to say please and thank you and to write thank-you notes when they receive a gift! Respecting us, other people and themselves is also critically important. We had some pretty good lessons from our own parents, and living in “modern times” doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to throw out what works.

All of these lessons have had varying degrees of success and we are constantly experimenting. The ongoing mainstays are devotion to Christ and His Church, prayer and family time. As worn out as we may get about being vigilant, we know that turning over our parenting responsibilities to others is not an option. We have only so many years to be a positive influence and we can’t waste the gift that God has given us in these children.

Randy Hain, Senior Editor and co-founder of The Integrated Catholic Life™, is the author of three books by Liguori Press: The Catholic Briefcase: Tools for Integrating Faith and Work, Along the Way: Lessons for an Authentic Journey of Faith and Something More: A Professional’s Pursuit of a Meaningful Life.

* Catholic News Agency columns are opinion and do not necessarily express the perspective of the agency.


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