Catholic & Single Do chaste women have more difficulty finding a husband?

Jun 18, 2008

Dear Anthony,

 

It seems to me that women who have had pre-marital sex are the only women who get married. I find this very disappointing and the situation seems hopeless for those women who are committed to following the Church's teaching. Do you have any comments?

 

Thank you for writing and sharing this with me. It is an interesting observation you have. So you are saying that only those who have had pre-marital sex are the ones who end up getting married? I assume this implies that men are not going to last in any relationship where sex is not involved, let alone marry someone who is living a chaste single life.

 

If that is truly the case, then you do have cause to feel disappointed and hopeless regarding your chances for marriage. I don't personally believe there is a connection between openness to pre-marital sex and getting married. I also doubt very highly that most of those marriages are happy ones. There is a definite disadvantage to being promiscuous before marriage, and most marriages that have problems or issues can trace it back to individuals with promiscuous pasts.

 

But I do think those who are committed to chastity before marriage have a very hard time finding someone to build a strong relationship with, especially the women. They are discouraged because 1) they typically face dating someone they really like but that person is expressing or indicating interest in inappropriate sexual behavior, and 2) they really want to find someone who shares their commitment to chastity, primarily because it is an indicator to them that the other person has the same commitment to God that they do, and that this person is someone they can rely on to be strong when it counts. It is very difficult, however, to find someone whose will is NOT weak enough to be open to sexual activity before marriage when they are faced with the temptation. That is actually pretty "normal", unfortunately.

 

However, I also think that sometimes those who are firmly committed to chastity (whether a virgin or converted in mind and heart after a promiscuous past) might be too antagonistic toward those they date who seem open to pre-marital sex. These persons are practicing Catholics who otherwise are good and attractive people. For whatever reason, they just are not willing to save themselves for marriage, though they probably "want" that. But that does not necessarily mean these persons are not going to make good spouses. In fact, I think many of them have the ability to have a deeper conversion and renewed commitment based on being edified by the person they are with that stands their ground on this pre-marital sex issue. Sure, it would be nice to find someone who shares that commitment, but it should not be made to be "necessary". It's the harshness that a weaker person experiences that not only turns of that person or makes them feel they have no further chance, but it also punishes the person taking the stand harshly because they have to start over in their search for their future spouse.

 

Therefore, to be open to someone you might end up having to "lead" in this area could work out very beneficially, if you can be kind and gentle and understanding, but firm. Obviously, you never allow anything to happen. But you also don't have to make the person feel bad for a weak moment. Perhaps he or she just needed to have that leadership of the other to firmly say "No way", but also (very critical) that it is done in a gentle way that does not make the person feel that it is over and they are unworthy. I think it happens more times than not that the person who is committed to chastity is shocked or scandalized by the attempt of the Catholic they are dating, and makes that person feel terrible. Then that person cannot recover, nor does the chaste person want them to recover. It is over! It is a deal killer!

 

I believe it does not have to be a deal killer. Give the person a chance to step up. If he or she continues to show weakness and a desire to give in to pre-marital sex, then there are probably other issues there as well, and best to break it off. But when the objective is to marry, we have to be open to the opportunities. We are not marrying saints, we are marrying sinners. And as sacred as our sexuality is, sexual weakness is historically one of the most common problems of mankind. That does not give people license to BE "weak". In fact, in my opinion, sexual weakness says more about what other issues a person might have than just sexual weakness. Specifically, is this a person who is truly striving to be close to Jesus Christ and live His life? Is this person living a life of mortification and sacrifice in order to practice strengthening the will? Has this person given in to the philosophy that we are only “human”, when in reality we share the divine nature by Baptism into Christ, and therefore are capable of living a supernatural life?

 

Do you see what I am getting at? Sexual weaknesses should be forgiven. But if those persons who are sexually weak are isolating those moments as just being "weak moments" and not considering something deeper that may be there that needs to be worked on, then that is the aspect of that person that needs to be considered as to whether or not a relationship continues.

 

Having said the above, I think it is imperative to drive home the point that remaining chaste and never giving in to pre-marital sex temptations is something that so pleases the Lord, and will produce immense dividends within the marriage. And since it can be accomplished only by God's grace, then observing that the person has a serious sacramental life is required. This commitment to chastity is something that must be rewarded, and God will do just that.

 

My wife and I waited (though there were struggles), and I can see all the ways He has blessed us. They are blessings NOT because we are better than anyone else, but because when inevitable moments of temptation were presented, we responded to God's grace. To have a respect for marriage and for the most important and profound gift we had to give to each other on our wedding night that you can never get back once given before marriage is something everyone should be thinking about and talking about at all stages of a relationship.

 

Sadly, this kind of attitude toward sexuality and marriage is not easy to find in people, even good Catholics. There is still too much of a disconnect made by people when it comes to sex and love. Sex is still too much interpreted as being an okay expression and proof of love in a developing relationship. That means that there is still a lot of work to do, and prayers to be said. But it does not mean that the sexually weak are hopeless. They need edification and inspiration. And that is probably going to come only from those they date who are heroic in their position, BUT ALSO gentle and understanding toward the weaker person, and ready to offer a second chance.

 

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So I suggest that you remain open to any man you date who might show signs of wanting things to go further, and treat him gently and keep him feeling welcome. Give him more time. If he does not improve, then move on. But also don't ever give up your position. It is very admirable that you are chaste and are committed to stay that way until marriage. Though the whole world give in to pre-marital sex and you remain faithful, you are in the right and should remain there no matter what. You will be blessed more than you know, regardless of whether or not you marry. And what a treasure you will be for the man who finally finds you and wins your heart. It will be a very blessed marriage.

 

God willing, there will be one man out there who is attracted to your unwillingness to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior before marriage, and finds himself to be a better man because of it. Certainly, love in a man is proven to a woman when he still proceeds to marriage having never had sexual experiences with her that are proper only to marriage. I do think those men are out there, and they just need to be gently led by a good woman who does not punish him for his weakness, but rather understands where he is, yet never will permit him to advance. A respectful and charitable man of God will cease trying to advance and put the woman into an occasion of sin.

 

I pray for you and all women, and even all men, who find themselves in this situation. I pray you maintain your chastity, but also pray that you not be quick to disregard those who are weaker until they give you continuous reason to move on. You just might find a diamond in the rough.