Catholic & Single Doesn't intercourse create a bond that cannot be undone?

Jun 24, 2008

Dear Anthony,

I appreciate your insight regarding what premarital sex does to future marriage. You're more optimistic than I am on whether the act of becoming one flesh can be undone. In your article you mention that the subject "is too deep to cover here." Will you consider taking the time to cover it more deeply?

The problem with going more in depth on this matter is that there is so much that is a mystery, and I'm not sure anyone can say anything "absolute" about it. I would think that it would suffice for people to realize that the act of intercourse is much, much more than just a moment of physical experience, and does do something to both persons. What that "something" is can vary based on the persons (I am thinking here of psychological and emotional effects). But since so many people (even good people of faith) act on the temptation to have genital sexual experiences outside of marriage, this issue needs to be addressed.

For some people, it is a matter of dealing with the guilt of a promiscuous past, and the need of healing to move forward. But for others, there is a real concern about being with someone who actually belongs to someone else (whether that person believes it or not). Those most particularly concerned with this are the men and women who are virgins and dedicated to saving themselves for marriage. But it also concerns anyone living chastity before marriage. The struggle, therefore, is with whether or not to ever consider marrying someone who has had intercourse with another person, and the belief that marrying the person would mean having more than just the two of you involved with the marriage.

This position is based on the belief that the biblical concept of "two become one flesh" is literally the physical act of intercourse.

Obviously, I cannot argue that two people who have had intercourse have some kind of lasting bond that is a mystery, and that bond is there no matter what other person or persons they end up with. It does seem to make sense, and I can't offer any absolute proof otherwise. But I do believe it is completely and utterly possible to have a wonderful, blessed, loving, successful marriage with a person who is NOT a virgin. I know many, many, many, many married couples who are living marriage as a true witness to what marriage is and to Christ Himself, and one or both persons were not virgins. There is no denying the blessings of God in their life, and the fulfillment of married love in their marriages. How does one explain these marriages?

So in mind, there must be some additional mystery of love that supersedes whatever mystery takes place between two people who have physically had intercourse. Perhaps it has something to do with the Sacrament of Matrimony as a "sacrament." In other words, perhaps the grace of the Sacrament of Matrimony provides a mystery of love that goes higher and deeper and is vaster than the reality of the actual bond that happens via the act of intercourse. Perhaps the actual physical act of intercourse is not the only aspect of "two becoming one flesh." Or maybe it has nothing at all to do with physical intercourse.

The sacrament of marriage is indissoluble. That is for certain. The indissoluble reality is actually (according to Church teaching on what makes marriage a sacrament) the free-will consent of both persons given to the other. It is completely possible that a marriage is valid and indissoluble at that moment WITHOUT intercourse (or consummation, as it is commonly called) taking place. Look at the marriage of Mary and Joseph. They are both virgins, but absolutely and indissolubly married. To deny this is to become outside of Catholic Church teaching.

Therefore, if the act of intercourse is such a secondary aspect of marriage when it comes specifically to validity and indissolubility, then it must be that it is the act of the will between two persons to "decide" and to "give" themselves to each other in commitment through the words they pronounce to each other that makes the two become one flesh.

"One flesh" is symbolized in the act of intercourse, but realized first in the free-will consent. This makes sense to me specifically because of the marriage of Mary and Joseph. How else could you explain why it is true that Mary and Joseph had a true, valid, indissoluble marriage and never had genital sexual expression?

It subsequently makes sense to me that the act of intercourse between two people who are NOT giving their free-will consent to each other for a lifetime (the act of marrying someone) may produce a bond that cannot last when each of those persons experience true married love.

In our new series, "Marriage of the Lamb," Fr. Connolly and I discuss this matter more in depth, and Father brings up the good point that in Old Testament times, marriages took place by a man taking a woman into his tent and "knowing her" (the biblical term for the act of intercourse). So biblically, intercourse is more than a symbol of marriage, it actually is the act of marriage. Father goes on to say that perhaps what we need to teach people is that when they have intercourse with a person, they just literally got married.

It sounds a little funny, but it is interesting to consider what would happen if society would make it part of their laws to declare the act of intercourse as the action of marriage. It might make people think twice about having intercourse too loosely.

Obviously, I am not speaking as an authority of the Church, nor on anything that is official Catholic Church teaching. I am simply sharing with you things that I have been thinking about and considering when it comes to this issue you are struggling with. There seems to be more that needs enlightenment surrounding all the realities of the act of intercourse outside of marriage.

However, these things should not weigh down the minds and hearts of people. We have to remain practical, and we have to maintain a healthy respect for the things we may never know about this side of heaven, nor should need to know in full before proceeding with acting on the necessary things of life, especially the vocation to marriage.

I don't want to see good people capable of being good husbands and wives over-thinking, or second-guessing themselves about whom to marry based on past sexual experiences or virginity. There is no doubt that remaining a virgin until marriage is the ideal, and quite attainable for any person of faith - and a virgin has every right to feel strongly about marrying another virgin. After all, if you have saved yourself for marriage because of what it means to maintain virginity and have that to give your spouse on your wedding night, why shouldn't you want someone who has saved themselves as well? But someone who is not a virgin I don't think has that same right to insist on marrying a virgin. That seems hypocritical to me.

In the end, the most important thing is finding a suitable partner to give yourself completely to in marriage because of the vocation to marriage. Our vocation is the most important thing in our adult lives and what God is most interested in for us as adults. There are too many examples of good marriages between two people who were not virgins. Therefore, I guess my advice to you and anyone else who is struggling with this issue of what happens to two people when they have intercourse is to not let it bother you to the point of never seriously considering someone who is not a virgin. In other words, if you set out to date only a person who is a virgin, you are probably doing yourself a disservice toward your vocation, and probably going to pass up really wonderful people who will make excellent spouses and parents.

This whole thing may very well be just too much of a mystery for any of us to understand to the point of being able to move forward in making decisions in our lives. So it would be best to focus on the person and not the past. I don't deny that there are other issues to consider with someone who has been very sexually promiscuous in their past. I am not talking about those persons. I am talking about persons who have made sexual mistakes in the past and are now committed to chastity. Those persons many times are "gems" that you just do not want to disregard so readily. In fact, I have found that people who are converts of pre-marital sex are often some of the most edifying, holy, grateful people who are well prepared for marriage exactly because they respond to God's grace and believe in what He has done for them.

I believe in God's grace, and that it has the power to transform anyone into a saint, regardless of their past. I hope you know that I understand your position and your struggles, but I pray that you will take this to the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and give it to Jesus completely, and beg Him to release you from any aspect of this that is not of God so you will have a better pair of eyes to see the potential in any person you meet that may very well make a great spouse for you. Only then will you be a better spouse for that person you hope to marry one day.