Catholic & Single The Senses in Dating: Part 4 - Touch

Apr 22, 2009

In this installment, we cover probably the most obvious of the senses that applies to dating and marriage; namely, the sense of touch. It’s a fundamental aspect of the human experience to touch another human being. And in dating, if you have never touched the other person in a way such as holding hands, you will never get to the point of marriage. Touching is a requirement in modern dating in helping to realize love and develop the friendship level that leads to the desire to marry. I suppose it is the circumstances surrounding touch that need to be addressed.

 

Though we speak of being “touched” emotionally by, for example, seeing the kind act of another or hearing a moving piano performance, the “sense” of touch has to do with the physical body touching or being touched, which communicates information to our mind. Touch has to do with feelings and emotions, and every human being is sensitive to touch. Though you hear of a person losing the sense of sight, hearing, smell, or taste, you never hear of the loss of the sense of touch. This is because of the skin, that amazing organ that covers the body from head to toe. It requires nothing more than contact with the skin to cause an instant response to a human being. It is, therefore, the most unique, powerful, mysterious, and useful sense of them all.

 

So you can say that a person can live without seeing, or hearing, or smelling, or tasting and still live a healthy, human existence, but a person cannot live without touch. Imagine, for a moment, a life with touch. Lips that kiss your face. Arms that wrap around you. A kiss or a hug are never merely a physical exchange. They “affect” in every sense of the word. They make the difference between a healthy or unhealthy existence. A gentle touch can communicate love, and as a result, we feel trust and peace and warmth. A punch in the face can communicate anger, and as a result, we feel sad, upset, frightened, etc.

 

The hands are the primary and most active everyday instrument of physical touch. No part of the body has the most ready access to physically touch another human being than the hands. So it is important to realize the gift of our hands to the service of God, and the power they have to communicate with people. When we reflect on the life of Jesus, His hands were instrumental in His public ministry, particularly healing. We all share in the healing ministry of the Lord simply by the use of our hands and in ordinary ways daily.

 

In the area of dating, love, and marriage, a man and woman who hold hands begin crossing over from being good friends to being something more. The act of holding hands is actually a non-verbal communication to the other that expresses the desire to “consume” the other. If you think about how true love is a self-donation, it literally seeks to consume and be consumed, like a fire’s flames consume that which it burns. The holding of hands signals the beginning of love’s pursuit to consume, with all its potential.

 

Like the other senses, the use of touch can be abused and destructive. With hearing, if music is too loud, we desire to stop the pain. In seeing something disturbing or shocking, we turn away or close our eyes. With touch, if touching happens too quickly in a relationship, the brain can get confused and not be able to interpret what is happening and cause harm.

 

In relationships toward marriage, knowing when and when not to touch (use of hands, kissing, etc.) is very important. Touch strongly influences intentions of love to the inner person. True love is developed and secured as touch is appropriately expressed over time. Confusion and inner chaos are experienced as touching is prematurely expressed. It not only affects the present relationship, but all relationships to follow.

 

The adage of “less is more” applies to touching. Those who are dating must discipline themselves with touching as to insure that a healthy relationship develops so the body can respond properly to touch and the brain can better interpret love that is developing. It is a sign of maturity, for example, that a man can not only take things slowly with the physical part of a relationship with a woman, but completely refrain from acting on feelings and desires to touch. This applies both to marriage as well as the pre-marital state. Both men and women must move slowly and express touch carefully.

 

By pure acts of the will, there also must be total restraint of the desire to touch in the name of a higher good. That which is only proper to marriage must never be expressed before marriage. A total ability to trust is at stake. It’s not that two unmarried people who, in a moment of weakness, did that which is only proper to marriage cannot have love and eventually a happy marriage. God’s grace can accomplish anything. It’s more about the development of the inner person that is affected by what is communicated through this highly influential sense of touch. It’s about what is diminished as a result of these weak moments and can be difficult to get back, or pose challenges to work through for the future.

 

There must be a profound respect for another person if there is to be proof of love. Too much excuse is given to weakness. As Christians, we are so much more than just weak human beings. We share the divine nature of God through Jesus Christ, Whose life we are baptized into. Grace is always more powerful than human weakness. Therefore, we have the power available to overcome weakness and weak moments. We have a responsibility to train our wills to be strong for future temptations. Our love for God should make us willing to keep practicing virtue and strengthening our wills so we can prove to Him our love and prove to the world that we have a share in Christ’s divine nature, which make us adopted children of God.

 

True charity and chastity in dating demand that both persons take it slow and do what is appropriate in their pre-marital relationship. Being prudent, careful, considerate, and guarded about touch prevents premature consumption, and safeguards against doing psychological and emotional harm to the other. Full consumption in love through touch comes only after giving free-will consent on the wedding day. The rights to each other’s bodies are exchanged that day, and full consumption is permitted.

 

Let us all have great reverence for this most mysterious and powerful sense of touch so that we would be good stewards of how we use it. May we always maintain an awareness of the power we have in touch, and never be casual and irresponsible with that gift which we are entrusted by God to use for good. May we reflect on and repent of our inappropriate and/or harmful use of touch. And may we ask God for wisdom and purity as we proceed to use this sense in the future.