Catholic & Single Men pay, women save

Sep 9, 2010

Who would have guessed that the concept of who should pay on a date, the man or the woman, would be of such interest to debate? I wouldn’t have. I have to say that I never really gave it a thought until I started getting asked the question often and seeing it talked about on other websites and in books. It even came up on our “Road To Cana” program (I believe it is in the “Red Flags: Part 2” episode of Season 2). People seem to want to know once and for all who should pay on a date, the man or the woman (or both)?

I have heard it argued for all three, and the reasons why. But no one seems to have a definitive answer, and therefore the poor modern dating persons cannot say absolutely how it is supposed to be and have one less thing to be anxious about.

And it is an issue to be anxious about when going on a date, especially first dates. It really must be awkward to come to that point in the evening where something must be paid for and the man and woman just kind of try to figure out what should happen next by reading signals and gestures, or just waiting for the other to say something first.

When I was on Lino Rulli’s “The Catholic Guy” program a couple of months ago, I remember him saying matter-of-factly “Of course the guy has to pay.” We were talking about how many dates he could possibly go on each month in order to afford to live and still date respectfully. His point was since “of course the guy has to pay,” he had to be careful about how many dates he would go on with one particular woman before deciding he was not interested any further and should move on. So there is someone who believes firmly that the guy has to be the one to pay.

Why do people like Lino believe the guy must pay? Primarily, it is tradition. Regardless of the times we live in, it is tradition that a man will pay for the date. Why do some say to split the bill, or work out a system on taking turns paying? It seems only fair that since women are making pretty good money these days, they should be open to contributing. It takes the pressure off the guy, and the women don’t feel like they are taking advantage of the men they date.

My sense is men and women “want” it to be that the man pays, but feel obligated to make it a cooperation. To make the man pay would be so “outdated.” To cooperate and share the financial burdens is civilized, charitable, very 21st century, and down right sporting of the two modern day males and females.

So let me share with you my opinion, and you can take it for what it’s worth.

First, I think Lino is right; the guy pays - period! It is a matter of principle. The man is the pursuer and the woman the pursued. I realize that the modern woman can actually ask the man out on a date, but she still should not pay. (If she does do the inviting, the womanly thing to do is do it in a way that makes it seem that he is the one who invited her – ladies, you have that uncanny ability about you.)

There should be no more awkwardness when it comes to dealing with any financial transactions on the date. If you go to dinner, the man pays the check. If you go to the movies, the man pays for the tickets and popcorn. If you are taking a cab somewhere, the man pays the fare. And so on. The man pays for it all.

In addition, he does not sulk about it. He does it with joy and with pride. This could be your potential wife and future mother of your children. She is definitely a treasure to be invested in. The dating process is an investment in a great treasure. And a man gets no greater satisfaction in this life than to reap the reward of his hard work and investments, especially when it comes to love and romance.

Take away the man’s need to pay, and you take away his vehicle to peace and reward in his heart to have successfully gotten an amazingly unique, wonderful, beautiful woman to marry him. All the money spent will then be summed up in one joyful pronouncement of “She is worth it!”

People don’t think like this anymore. Men are looking for women to share the financial “burden” of the dating process; to help out.

What?

Burden? Help out? Is this what a man is? Is he in trouble? In need of help? The woman can save him from a burden? My word, no!

Women are actually open to helping him out, lightening the load, taking turns paying? This looks like you are being a nice woman who can give and take, and who understands the plight of the modern man and the economic crisis we are in, but you are literally taking away one of the man’s main ways of proving he wants you, and nobody else but you. And I don’t mean he has to just prove it to you. He must prove it to himself.

Letting the woman contribute and share the financial expenses of the dates is not just a cop out, it is an “opt out.” It speaks negatively in many ways. I know there are perfectly sound couples who do fine with this arrangement, and God bless them. But I have talked to enough women to know that it is more likely that the guy ends up proving to be a non-commitment type, or unambitious with job or career, and not really interested in providing for a family.

Paying for the dates shows that he wants to provide for this future family, starting with the most important person: the wife and mother. The person who will be your best friend; whom you want to manage the house, bear children, give up everything to be at home for those kids, etc. There is a great value in finding a good woman to marry, and she is worth every dollar the man spends to court her and win her hand in marriage. I promise you a man who wins the heart of a good woman never ever looks back to count the costs of acquiring her affections. And her love for him is the reward. The investment pays off.

Now, the last thing I want to say is something that is just not said at all. As the man has to pay, the woman has to save. While she is single and working and being taken on dates by men who are paying for the dates, she must be saving her money for the future when she is married. She should be bringing to the marriage a nest egg of savings that the marriage can benefit from greatly; whether it be to use on a down payment for their first house, or toward paying off college or general debt (his or hers), or toward the future having of children, or the children’s future education, or just a rainy day (and believe me, those rainy days come and they are not financially fun).

I have seen first hand how hesitant women can be about letting men know they have a savings. But they should not be the least bit embarrassed. A woman who shares with a man she is seriously dating that she is saving money for her future marriage is going to come across as being a very impressive woman.

Regardless of the realities out there about being careful not to get involved with a man who might be only after your money (you should have the ability to recognize these guys anyway), it is important to have the attitude as women who wish to be married one day that if a man is going to invest in you during the dating process, you want to be ready to invest in the marriage by having as much money saved as you can. This is part of the gift a woman brings to the wedding day. This is the dowry concept of the past. Only in modern times, the money is earned by her, not given by the parents. She earns this money and shows she has used her time while single well, and was always thinking about the time when she would marry.

So again, in my humble opinion, men should pay for the dates. But women should save for the marriage.