Catholic & Single How can you become friends first with online dating?

Oct 13, 2010

Dear Anthony,

I heard your "Friendship First" radio show. I do believe friendship should come first in a relationship. However, it seems to me that with online dating, the relationship is already more than a friendship. Courtship seems to begin right away. It is not a natural way to meet people, let alone become friends. Do you have any tips about fostering friendship with online dating?

You bring up a very good point about friendship and the online dating experience. Let's break this down, because you make several important points.

Unnatural Way To Have Friendship

First, let's just confirm that online dating is unnatural. It certainly is. I believe what most people would mean by "unnatural" is that you are not physically present to the person. The in-person experience has not yet taken place as it typically would under "natural" conditions. In person, you are interacting with all the senses. You speak to each other, you look into the person's eyes, you might shake hands by way of introduction, and you can even smell each other. The in-person experience provides the very important non-verbal communication, which makes up the majority of communication. There is the ability to read body language. Finally, there is chemistry; that aspect of attraction that is part of the mystery of love in God's desire.

There are some very natural things about online dating that people miss because they are too concerned with what is unnatural about it. Online dating is not dating at all. Dating is the wrong term. Dating is an in-person reality. Period. No one is dating who is interacting online.  You are simply interacting with another person.

Online dating is really first and foremost a networking tool. It is a means to an end. It is a vehicle that is temporary and transitory in order to get you from one place to another. If you want to date each other, you have to be in person.

The use of the site as a tool to help oneself accomplish their goal is the natural part of online dating. It is natural to want to fulfill a desire. It is also natural to get into environments that offer a feasible chance of accomplishing that goal. For a Catholic person who wants to find their future spouse, it is natural to join a Catholic dating site where there are other persons like themselves. Not only is it natural to join an online dating site, it is smart. Taking advantage of every opportunity that God can use to help us accomplish our goal of meeting our future spouse is wise and proactive.

What is unnatural is when people only write to each other for prolonged periods and resist or procrastinate setting up meetings in person. The purpose of the dating site is to network and find those you want to meet in person, which is when you discover if they are someone with whom you can ultimately grow in friendship and love. Beware of those who never seem to be interested in talking about meeting in person.

Contrary to Friendship

Though it is true there is no replacing the in-person experience when it comes to developing friendship, friendship can be developed before you ever meet in person. Again, so much of what makes human interaction affective is the non-verbal communication exchanges. You must be in person to really know if things can go further and continue to move forward. But there is something very beautiful about writing letters to each other to develop a friendship that has been lost in the modern world.

Too many people are using the dating site messaging system ineffectively and counter-productively. They write inconsiderate messages that are short, choppy, and do not demonstrate that they read the person's profile. Basically, they write as if it is an email or a text message instead of a letter. Letter writing is very powerful. As you exchange well-written, thoughtful letters, a friendship can develop. And that friendship is a spark that is incentive to talk on the phone and meet in person.

Even after moving to the phone and to meeting in person, continuing to write letters while you are apart is an age-old way to develop a deep friendship. Letters express the heart. The beginnings of a friendship that can lead to love can be realized through letter writing.

Bypasses Friendship

You have a concern that when people join a dating site, you have already jumped right over friendship and are starting into courtship. I can understand how you get this impression. When someone is on a dating site, they see a lengthy profile of information which reveals all kinds of things that would take you months to find out about under other circumstances. So it can seem as though you know as much as a friend would know right from the outset.

Some would argue this is a great thing. I am one of those people. The profile provides so much information that is helpful for avoiding wasting each other’s time. And I don’t mean eye or hair color either. I am referring to things about what a person believes and how they live that belief. For example, a person who states on their profile that they believe in the use of artificial contraception is typically a “deal breaker” for a Catholic who believes the Church’s teaching that the use of artificial contraception is wrong.

When would this topic come up under normal circumstances? I have spoken to countless single Catholics who tell me heart-wrenching stories of their dating a person seriously for 6 months only to find out that they are firm about using contraception in the marriage. The relationship ends after so much personal investment. Had this information been known up front, there would not have been a 6 months and all the pain that follows from such a break up.

The profile also provides a wealth of information about the person that can be used to foster interesting and engaging conversation, especially making an initial conversation. A woman who gets an initial note from a man who talks about things he noticed in her profile and asks questions about her is going to consider this man in a favorable way.

It’s true that a couple can get to courtship much faster because of online dating because of how much is known ahead of time. It still should never be too fast (1-3 months) before engaged or even married. But cutting out a lot of wasted time helps focus on what is most important and can help a couple who met online to get to the point of decision to marry faster than the normal way of meeting and dating. Never is friendship to be bypassed.

Using a profile wisely to develop friendship will make all the difference. I hope this helps you to consider these concerns of yours in a clearer way. Friendship is very possible to develop using an online dating site.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony