Catholic & Single How to reject someone thoughtfully

Feb 2, 2011

Dear Anthony,

I am hesitant about joining AMS because of the prospect of telling any woman that I am not interested and sensing her hurt and/or disappointment. The notion of causing hurt or disappointment in an innocent other does not sit well with me. How does AMS address the issue of letting someone down gracefully, in an atmosphere where so much is at stake and hearts are so vulnerable?

Thank you for being so conscientious. It’s nice to see someone being so concerned about how their actions might be interpreted or affect another person. So I applaud your sensitivity and charity.

This concern should not keep you from joining Ave Maria Singles, or any website. Your main purpose for joining is a self-motivated one, and rightly so. It is your own vocation you are preoccupied with. And fundamental to the vocation of marriage is determining which person you will fall in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with. Therefore, a natural reality to online dating (or any dating) is the decision to no longer be interested in someone, and moving forward in your search.

Anyone who does not understand this basic premise is setting themselves up to be hurt unnecessarily. Any person dating has to be prepared for rejection.

Too many people take this kind of rejection personally. It is irrational to assume there is something wrong with you if someone decides they no longer wish to communicate. Perhaps if you have spent many months together and things are serious and then there is a seemingly sudden end to the relationship, it would be reasonable to feel hurt and maybe even betrayed. But in the early stages of getting to know each other and general dating (before any serious and/or exclusivity stage), rejection is part of the process.

Finding a suitable partner requires meeting and getting to know many people. Rare is the couple who get married and have never dated anyone else. In fact, it can be a questionable situation if two people are getting married who have never dated anyone else.

I think it is most admirable and appropriate that you would like to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings or disappointing them. Unfortunately, there is no way around that if you are going to take up the serious process of dating toward marriage. Here I am speaking about the concept of breaking up with someone. If it has to happen, then the person who does not want it to happen is naturally not going to be too happy about it. You can’t not break up with the person because you know this will help avoid their being hurt.

The nature of your question addresses an important and sad reality about modern dating among Christians. It seems that there is a good deal of non-Christian methods of breaking up with a person (or ending communication with someone you don’t want to proceed with dating). Sadly, I have heard of many, many pretty lousy tactics for letting someone down. It is not unreasonable for a Christian to feel they are owed something more dignified and honorable when it comes to being told there is no further interest.

The tactic of breaking up depends on the aspects of a relationship. Corresponding a few times on a Catholic dating website does not require the same rejection approach as when you have dated for a few months. Depending on how much the heart has been invested and what expectations have been built up is how you determine what method you should choose.

I have heard of people just disappearing without a trace after a month of correspondence, let’s say, after clearly giving the impression that things were going well or moving forward. The person just stopped corresponding without any explanation. That’s pretty low, and certainly not the behavior expected of a Christian.

The best and most appropriate thing to do with anyone is to tell them you are no longer interested in continuing the relationship. And this should be done in the atmosphere of communication you have furthest gotten to. If you have only been sending messages on the online service, then send a message saying “I have enjoyed getting to know you but have decided that I am no longer interested in continuing our correspondence. I do pray you meet the person of your prayers.” Or some sort of kind message like that.

If you have gone as far as talking on the phone, then you end things by phone conversation. If your relationship was well established in person, then ideally you should end things in person. It is very common that you only met once in person, and that meeting has determined you are no longer interested. In any variable to meeting in person once and determining you no longer wish to continue the relationship, you always call the person and end things.

Some people just don’t have the heart to confront the person by phone or in person to tell them they do not wish to see them any longer. In such a case, have the decency to write them a nice and thoughtful note. It is not the ideal, and I believe people should overcome their weakness with confrontation if they are going to seriously date toward marriage. But the person is owed closure of some sort. What a horrifying thing to have happen when a person just disappears without closure, leaving that person hanging and their mind to assume.

For those who get an initial contact on a online dating website and immediately find they are not interested, it is a very decent and kind thing to do to shoot a very quick reply saying, “Thank you for writing but I would not be interested in further correspondence. I wish you all the best.” I suppose some people honestly do not have the time to reply to those they are not interested in (perhaps they get many messages and have very little time online so only focus on those they wish to correspond with). All the same, a note to help the person have closure can go a long way in helping that person, and I believe it provides more grace to you for doing such a kind gesture.

On Ave Maria Singles, we provide a “Not Interested” button for those who know they don’t wish to correspond any further. All they have to do is click it once, and a very nice note letting them down gently is sent to that person. They get closure, and you lose no time at all.

Online dating requires thick skin. It is an unnatural way to meet someone, but an important vehicle in this day and age for like-minded people to come into contact as the once “normal” options diminish and/or disappear. So it is best to develop the right attitude towards it if you are going to partake in this method of meeting people.

It can work very powerfully if people would be honest, open, courteous, and accepting of the somewhat impersonal aspect of it. Everyone is on there to hunt down the person they will choose to devote their life to. Their personal goal does not require them to have to tend to the needs of all the other members. Everyone has to take responsibility for themselves. However, we are dealing with real people, and we must not forget that, nor let the personal goal justify insensitive and un-Christian behavior.

The best advice to is keep your motives pure and pray that your actions will be positive and a witness to Jesus Christ, Whose life you profess to live. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” says the Lord.