Catholic Men What kind of father are you?

Apr 25, 2011

It’s no secret that the teenage years are difficult for teens – and parents, too! As teens make their way from childhood to adulthood, they experience many trials and tribulations, and encounter many dangers – drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, etc. Yet you can help your teen navigate these years successfully by understanding their world and your parenting style.

We’re all aware of the emotional ups and downs that teens face. Often I hear parents lament the “drama” they experience from their teens, both boys and girls. This behavior is the result of changes in the brain that occur during adolescence. During puberty, the brain is literally rewiring itself. This is part of the maturation process which allows teens to begin to think and act like mature adults. However, while this rewiring process is occurring, a teen’s ability to think rationally often flies out the window. Unable to think rationally, the teen thinks emotionally. In this highly emotional state, the teen is very insecure. His/her need for peer acceptance is high. This is why teens are so susceptible to peer pressure and making bad decisions. They are often unable to think rationally about their choices and the consequences. The good news is that most teens grow out of this adolescent state and into mature young adulthood.

However, the difficult adolescent years are when teens really need the guidance of a father. Dads, this is when having a healthy, close-bonded relationship with your teen is crucial. The parenting style you adopt can have a strong influence on that relationship. A parenting style is simply the way you relate to your children. There are hundreds of parenting styles; however, they can be divided into four general categories: Authoritarian, Permissive, Neglecting, Authoritative.

Here is a brief summary of each style:

Authoritarian: These parents expect control and maturity from teens, but offer little in terms of nurturing and communication. There are many rules, but little warmth. These are the “do as I say and not as I do” parents. Kids from these families can have difficulty with peers and be lower in self-esteem. Some may appear subdued, while others appear out of control because of the anger they have toward their parents. They also tend to have lower grades in school than their peers. Overall, these kids crave love and affection. They often experience depression and anxiety because of the lack of love and affection from mom and dad. These kids are at high risk for dangerous rebellious behaviors, such as drugs, alcohol, sex, cutting, eating disorders, and delinquency.

Permissive: While these parents are very warm and nurturing they are also very indulgent and lack the ability to set boundaries. They spoil their kids. Often, they want to be their kid’s “best friend.” Their kids also tend to do less well in school and appear to be more immature than their peers. They are less likely to take on responsibility and are less independent. This can be detrimental for teens because they need mentors. Requiring teens to be responsible and having high expectations helps them grow into healthy adulthood. Without it, they are very susceptible to peer pressure and the associated dangers. This is the parenting style I encounter most in my practice.

Neglecting Style: These are parents who pay little attention to their teens.  There is no secure bond between parent and child. This may be due to the fact that the parent is depressed, overwhelmed with problems in life, or is simply unable to make an emotional connection. The teen is left feeling abandoned, and feels responsible for it. Kids from these families are more impulsive, antisocial, and much less achievement oriented in school. They crave attention. They may also suffer from depression and anxiety. There is no foundation for feeling safe and secure in the world. Like the teen from the Authoritarian family, this teen is also at high risk for dangerous rebellious behaviors, such as drugs, alcohol, sex, cutting, eating disorders and delinquency.

Authoritative Style: This is the healthiest parenting style and is often referred to as responsible parenting. These parents are high in control and warmth, setting clear boundaries but also responding to the teen’s individual needs. Teens are expected to take on age-appropriate responsibilities and are rewarded for it. Teens in these families typically show higher self-esteem, are more independent, and are more likely to comply with parental requests. They may also show more altruistic behaviors. These teens are self-confident, achievement oriented in school and get better grades. While they still experience the insecurity and drama of adolescence, they are less likely to engage in risky behaviors due to the healthy relationship they have with their parents.

When dealing with difficult teens, it is first important for fathers to be understanding toward what teens are going through physically and emotionally. Patience is key. Know that these difficult years will pass and your teen will grow into a mature adult. This is where it is important to be a good mentor.

Second, fathers need to evaluate their parenting style. If your teen seems to be rebelling against every rule, your parenting style may be too authoritarian. If your teen is immature and unable to take on age-appropriate responsibilities, your style may be too permissive. If you spend little time with your teen and he acts up to get attention, your style may be too neglecting. The goal is to work toward a more authoritative parenting style. This gives a father the appropriate amount of control while giving the teen room to grow. If you are unsure of your parenting style or how to become more authoritative, I recommend seeking the help of a qualified Catholic family therapist.