Articles by Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D.
Digital vigilance for parents
Oct 8, 2012 / 00:00 amMonitoring the home computer may not be enough.
A new book on pornography addresses growing epidemic
Jun 25, 2012 / 00:00 amPornography addiction is a major epidemic in America. Everyday thousands become addicted to it, and Catholics are not immune. For years, few people wanted to address the issue, however because of the immensity of the problem, people are now taking notice. Thanks to recent neuroscience evidence, we now know that pornography is addictive. It affects the pleasure center and impulse control center of the brain in the same way as drugs and alcohol.While women can become addicted to pornography, it is still mainly a men’s issue. This is because men are hard-wired to be visually stimulated. When a man encounters an erotic image, he will automatically look. This starts a chemical reaction in the brain where large amounts of dopamine are released. This creates and actual “high” feeling. Another chemical, norepinephrine, sends a message to the autonomic nervous system, which increases heart rate and breathing. A message is also sent down the spinal cord to the genitals for sexual arousal. With all this physical and chemical stimulation, a tension develops that may lead a man to masturbate, which brings the release of opiate chemicals, endorphins, into the brain, which bring a sense of euphoria. After orgasm, there is a deep feeling of relaxation. This chemical, physical, sexual and emotional process has been found to be very addictive.As with any addiction, soon a tolerance develops. More of the substance is needed to achieve the same effect. Thus, a man will go from viewing soft porn to more hard core porn. He will also begin to spend more time viewing porn. Furthermore, a dependence develops where a man needs a “porn fix” just to function in daily life. Without it, he can experience withdrawal symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, irritability, insomnia, head aches and difficulty in concentrating.Because viewing pornography has become so common, and even accepted, in our society, people are becoming addicted without even knowing it.However, it is having devastating effects on people’s lives. It is damaging marriages, families, careers, and personal lives. People of all ages are affected. Here are some sobering facts about pornography:Every second, $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography.Every second, 25,258 internet users are viewing pornography.Every second, 372 internet users are typing sexual search terms into search engines.Men who admit to accessing pornography at work: 20%.Adults in the United States who regularly visit pornographic websites: 40 million.Adult men admitting to internet pornography addiction: 10%.The effect of pornography on marriages is devastating. When a woman discovers her husband using pornography, she often feels hurt and betrayed. She views it as serious as an extramarital affair. She also feels rejected by her husband. In a study conducted by the American Association of Marriage Attorneys, it was found that pornography use plays a significant role in 57% of all divorces.The effects of pornography on kids and teens are even worse. Here are some more sobering statistics:The average age when a child first encounters hard-core pornography is 11.80% of 15 – 17 year olds have had multiple exposures to hard-core pornography.The largest single population of internet pornography users is 12 – 17 year olds.89% of all solicitations of you in chat rooms are of a sexual nature.29% of 7 – 17 year olds would freely give out their addresses online.To understand the effects of pornography on young people, we need to look at the messages they are receiving from it. For young men, the message is that women are there for men’s sexual pleasure. They don’t have thoughts or feelings, and they don’t need to be respected. Women love sex and want it all the time, especially, abusive sex. Porn and sex must be part of any healthy relationship.For young women, the message is: in order to be loved and desired, a women needs to look and act like a porn star. She needs to allow men to use her body in any degrading way. Porn and sex must be part of any healthy relationship. For many young people today, their education about sex and relationships comes from what they see in internet pornography. This is leading them to much heartache and disappointment.To combat the devastating effects of pornography in our culture, we need to protect our children, and educate teens and adults. Adults need to do everything possible to shield children from porn. They need to be taught that pornography is an addictive substance that will ruin their lives. They also need to be taught about healthy relationships and sexuality. This will help them to reject viewing pornography of any kind.Dr. Peter Kleponis' new book, “The Pornography Epidemic: A Catholic Response,” is published by Johnette Benkovic of EWTN’s Women of Grace program. Copies can be purchased by calling 1-800-558-5452.
7 Steps to Male Happiness
May 28, 2012 / 00:00 amWhat makes men happy? While there are many ways to answer this question, I think the key is to set priorities in life. Here is my suggested order:
St. Valentine’s Day: Celebrating true love and commitment
Jan 30, 2012 / 00:00 amSt. Valentine’s Day is approaching and men are beginning to think about what to do for their wives. Some will send flowers, others will go out to dinner and most will give Valentine cards.
Keeping teens from porn
Dec 12, 2011 / 00:00 amKeith, a 24-year-old graduate student, came to my office seeking help for pornography addiction. He first viewed pornography six years ago when he went away to college. Soon he was viewing Internet pornography and masturbating daily. What was interesting about Keith is that he had never seen porn until he went to college. He was home schooled in a devout Catholic family, and his parents were careful to monitor his computer use to ensure that he never viewed any pornography.
5 Steps to Beat the Holiday Blues
Nov 28, 2011 / 00:00 amWe all know someone who feels down around the “holidays,” sometime from Thanksgiving in November to after the New Year. Maybe that person is you.Don’t give up hope though. The truth is that no one has to suffer from the Holiday Blues. We need first to understand the root causes and how to address them, and gain a clearer understanding of the true meaning of Christmas and how to celebrate it. While there may be hundreds of causes for the Holiday Blues, I have broken them down into six basic categories:Loneliness. The holidays are a time to spend with loved ones — spouses, family, friends, sweethearts, etc. However, for those who don’t have many loved ones in their lives, the holidays can be a painfully lonely time. Fortunately, the holiday season is a wonderful time to rekindle old relationships and start new ones. Call or write to people you haven’t spoken to in a while. Invite them to coffee. To develop new friends, join a club, volunteer, or sing in a choir. There are lots of creative ways to expand your circle of friends. All it requires is the willingness to take the risk to reach out.Grief. Because the holidays are a time to spend with loved ones, they can be particularly painful when one has recently lost a loved one. My mother passed away two years ago, and that first Christmas without her was very painful. This is when it’s important to surround yourself with loved ones. It’s okay to let people know you are still grieving and in a lot of pain. Let family and friends help you through this difficult time. While you may always miss your loved one, and especially during the holidays, the pain does decrease with time. You may eventually find yourself enjoying the holidays again.Family Tensions. Many people dread the holidays because it means spending time with family members they don’t get along with. The Christmas season is a time of peace and good will. It’s a time to forgive and make amends with others who have hurt you or those whom you have hurt. Yet it’s okay to set boundaries with family members. In some situations, it’s better not to spend the holidays with people you don’t get along with. It might just make Christmas more enjoyable for you and your family.Painful Memories. It may be difficult to enjoy Christmas if your childhood memories are painful or traumatic. This can happen for the person who grew up in a home plagued by abuse, addiction, sickness or poverty. Healing past memories is needed to enjoy Christmas in the present and the future. For this, I recommend professional counseling. You don’t need to be haunted by painful memories. Healing is possible! Don’t be afraid to ask for help.Excessive Responsibility. Many people get stressed out during the holidays because of the excessive responsibilities they place on themselves. They feel they must send Christmas cards to all their friends and relatives every year, bake several dozen cookies, decorate every room in the house, hang Christmas lights outside that will illuminate the entire neighborhood, go into credit card debt purchasing Christmas gifts for everyone they know, host a Christmas party for the neighbors, and do all the cooking for Christmas dinner. This can only lead to total exhaustion. However, these people feel obligated to do all these things because they believe they will somehow disappoint everyone if they don’t.If you are this type of person, my advice is to let go of this sense of obligation and do less. You are not responsible for ensuring that everyone has a happy Christmas. By letting go of excessive responsibility, you can have a much happier Christmas yourself.Unreasonable Expectations. Many people are disappointed every Christmas because it didn’t turn out as they hoped it would. Every year they hope to have the perfect “Norman Rockwell” Christmas. When we let go of unreasonable expectations for Christmas, we can learn to appreciate and enjoy the Christmas we actually get. We can accept family and friends for who they are, warts and all, and we can be truly thankful. The most important factor for enjoying the holiday season is remembering the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. I often see signs and bumper stickers at Christmas that say “Jesus is the Reason for the Season.” We all need to remember this. I recommend taking time every day to think about the true meaning of Christ’s coming. Don’t let the busyness and commercialism of Christmas make you forget why we celebrate. Be sure to share the true meaning with others too, even if it means appearing politically incorrect. By learning how to effectively deal with life’s challenges and remembering the true meaning of Christmas, we can beat the Christmas Blues and enjoy a truly blessed Christmas season.
Monitoring media in the home
Oct 24, 2011 / 00:00 amSo much has changed in home entertainment over the past 40 years, a parent may find it difficult keeping up with their children’s consumption of digital entertainment. Yet we must become informed and vigilant for the sake of our home life and our children.
Family meals – a winning recipe
Sep 26, 2011 / 00:00 amTom and Rose came into my office looking tired and frustrated. Both were overwhelmed with life’s responsibilities – Tom with his job and Rose with the home. They also seemed to be having trouble with their four children. Their kids were misbehaving at home and at school and their grades were suffering. They felt as if their family was falling apart.
Planning a ‘Staycation’
Jul 11, 2011 / 00:00 amThe weak economy and high unemployment have changed the way many families think about vacations. Instead of relaxing at an expensive resort, many are traveling on a tight budget. They are settling for more economical spots or staying home altogether for a “staycation.” While not having their usual vacation may be difficult for some, I see it as a great opportunity for growing closer to one’s family and to God.For some men, a typical vacation is more of a challenge than a chance to relax. Rather than enjoying the trip, they focus on getting to the destination as quickly as possible. Once there, they try to cram in as many activities as possible to get their “money’s worth.” Instead of relaxing on the beach, a seaside vacation is filled with fishing, golf, tennis, hiking, museums, historic sites, restaurants, shopping, etc. Their quest for the perfect, fun-filled vacation is anything but relaxing for their wives and kids. They come home more exhausted than when they left.For other men, a vacation is actually another name for catching up on professional work. These are the men who plan a beach vacation, and while they will spend most of their time on the beach, it will be with their laptop open. They spend little time with their wives or kids. While they may get a lot of work done, they miss out on memorable times with their families. Their focus on work also leaves little time to relax. They also go back to work no better and maybe more stressed than when they left for a so-called vacation.Many men need to be reminded what a vacation is all about. It is a time to relax and renew one’s self. It is a time to get away (vacate) from work and all its stresses and to reconnect with the family. Vacations are a time for creating wonderful memories. When our kids are grown, we all want them to have fond memories of childhood vacations. The best memories focus on relationships, and they don’t cost a lot of money.Vacations are also a time to renew one’s relationship with God. They can provide the opportunity to attend daily Mass, enjoy spiritual reading, or just time talking with God. I have found vacations that focus on nature to be a great way to reconnect with God. It’s easy to thank God for his creation and all the blessings in my life when I am hiking through the mountains, sitting on a beach, or even driving through the country.A staycation can be a great opportunity to grow closer to your family, create some wonderful memories and reconnect with God. With a staycation, there is no need to worry about transportation, lodging, meals or souvenir gifts to buy. There is no need to stop the mail and the newspaper, or put the dog in the kennel. All of this eliminates a lot of stress and is much easier on the wallet.Although you are staying at home, a staycation provides many opportunities for creating great family memories. It forces you to find activities and attractions in your own community. People are often surprised at all the great things they can do locally – museums, historic sites, sports, theater, nature, etc. Even a day at the public pool with your kids can be great fun!If you are planning a staycation, there are a few things you need to keep in mind: • A staycation is not a quest to see how many activities you can cram in. It is a time to relax, so plan accordingly. Include the whole family in planning process. They will thank you for not filling every moment of the day with activities.• It is not a time to catch up on work. Leave your laptop at work and let everyone know that you will be unreachable during your vacation.• Be sure to plan some special times together with your wife. Remember, this is her vacation too. Plan at least one date. Also, think of how happy she would be if you and the kids took over some of her household chores during the staycation! Most wives would rejoice over just couple of hours of peace and quiet.• Make time each day to spend with the Lord. This will add to your relaxation and make your vacation more memorable. Without all the hassle of travel, you can make part of your staycation a mini-retreat. You can even include your family in this. Consider going to daily Mass and taking one child each day, and then going out to breakfast afterward with that child. It will give you and each child some valuable one-on-one time while building your and their faith.Even in these troubling economic times, God provides opportunities for men to grow closer to Him and their families. By proper planning, and not falling into some common vacation pitfalls, a staycation can be fun, relaxing and memorable for everyone! You may even decide to plan a staycation more often!
Depression in children and teens
May 23, 2011 / 00:00 amNine-year-old Tommy** was brought to my office by his mother. He was complaining of deep sadness. His grades in school were falling, he had trouble sleeping at night, his appetite was poor, and he often cried. Tommy was clinically depressed. His parents were going through a divorce, and no matter how much they tried to reassure him of their love for him, he worried about who would take care of him. Deep down, Tommy also believed he was partially to blame for his parents’ divorce.Unfortunately, situations like this are not uncommon today, as children and teens are experiencing depression at alarming rates. Depression can mean different things to different people. For some it’s feeling blue on a rainy day, and for some it’s sadness from deep disappointments in life. Still, for others, it can be a debilitating sense of hopelessness and despair that can leave one unable to function. We all experience some level of depression during our lifetime. It is part of the normal suffering that we all go through. For most people it usually lifts within a couple of weeks. However, when depression won’t seem to go away, or if it prevents one from functioning effectively in life, professional help may be needed.Symptoms and solutionsCommon symptoms of clinical depression in children and teens can include the following:feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness loss of interest in pleasurable activitiesweight loss or gainsleep difficulties and general fatiguefeelings of worthlessness, inability to concentrate, and/or recurrent thoughts of death – for some teens, this means thoughts of suicide.Depression can be caused by internal and/or external factors. Internal factors include chemical imbalances in the brain. This type of depression is usually treated with medication. External factors include major disappointments or losses in life, such as failure in school or sports, breakup with a close friend or romantic relationship, divorce, loneliness, abuse or situations over which one has no control. This type of depression is usually treated with therapy and medication, if needed. For some, depression is caused by a combination of internal and external factors. A trained mental health professional can properly diagnose this. Because of the challenges our society presents, clinical depression is on the rise. Antidepressant medications are being prescribed at an alarming rate, even for children. Depression can affect anyone at any stage of life, from early childhood to old age. Early detection and treatment are key for a fast and lasting recovery.Here are some situations for parents to be aware of:Family conflicts: It is not uncommon for children and teens to become depressed when their parents are going through a divorce. The loss of an intact family life and the safety and security that come with it is devastating. Along with the typical symptoms of depression, these youngsters may also act out in anger. This can be seen in kids who become bullies and/or delinquent. Lack of attention from parents: This is often seen in kids who spend excessive amounts of time in daycare, with nannies, or in multiple organized activities outside the home, such as sports. They are denied a strong bonded relationship with their parents. This type of parenting also leaves children and teens questioning their lovability. They feel rejected and unwanted by their parents. When children and teens don’t feel loved, valued and wanted by their parents, they will naturally experience hopelessness, despair and ultimately depression.Peer relationships: Peer acceptance is extremely important for children and teens. However, if a child differs in any way (appearance, religion, ethnicity, abilities, etc.), it can result in rejection from peers. The child becomes ostracized and scapegoated by other children. Such rejection can also lead to feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and ultimately depression. Role of faithOur Catholic faith can be a powerful tool in helping children and teens overcome depression. Developing a deep understanding of the immense and personal love of God can give kids a sense of purpose and protection. They can feel loved and valued even during tough times. Developing an understanding of Jesus as one’s best friend throughout all of childhood can decrease loneliness.Attending Mass as a family and praying together can also increase their faith and sense of being connected. It is a fact that people with a strong faith life struggle with fewer mental health issues. By fostering a deep faith in children and teens, they will be able to weather the storms of life. If they do experience clinical depression, their faith can help them recover faster. For most children and teens, depression usually subsides within two weeks. However, if it lasts longer than this, professional help should be sought. A faithful Catholic therapist will be able to combine the tools of modern psychology with our Catholic faith to develop an effective and lasting treatment plan. To find a qualified Catholic therapist in your community, visit www.CatholicTherapists.com.(**This is a fictional character based on a clinical model.)
What kind of father are you?
Apr 25, 2011 / 00:00 amIt’s no secret that the teenage years are difficult for teens – and parents, too! As teens make their way from childhood to adulthood, they experience many trials and tribulations, and encounter many dangers – drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, etc. Yet you can help your teen navigate these years successfully by understanding their world and your parenting style.
Wired for pleasure: Porn and the male brain
Feb 28, 2011 / 00:00 amJohn had a dark secret. He was a respectable man, with a successful career, a beautiful wife and four great kids. Yet he was addicted to internet pornography. He had never dreamed that one day he would struggle with such an addiction, and now he hated himself for it.